Our movie opens with some ominous music seranading a pool of red-tinted liquid, a'boiling and a'churning ... And when the film's title presents itself, it proceeds to bleed (-- or leak, maybe?) on the rest of the credits.

We then jump to a chain-smoking middle-aged man, decked out like some ersatz new-age guru, sitting behind a desk in front of some nice wood paneling. This man (Brad Grinter) will serve as our narrator for the rest of the evening -- think Bela Lugosi in Glen or Glenda (-- and we already know we're in some serious trouble...) In between drags off his butt, our narrator goes on a rambling preamble about change and catalysts, and how they come about, that rivals anything Criswell ever did for Ed Wood. Seriously. Sounding like one of those self-help nuts that you here around 4am broadcasting from some 2-Watt radio station, spouting there own brand of psycho-self-help-babble, each sentence is filled with a pregnant pause. No -- not for dramatic effect ... He's just forgotten his lines and has to (-- as nonchalantly as he can --) check the script on his desk to see what his next line is...

Okay, first off, a word of friendly warning. Actually, warning is probably the wrong word, so let's make that a friendly encouraging. And it is with a friendly encouraging that I must inform you that our feature film, Blood Freak, defies any kind of logical description and the written synopsis will simply not not do it justice. So warped and so wonderful is this cinematic turd-burger that I had to go out and create a New Rating to quantify it. For if you've ever wanted to know what would happen if you combined a healthy dose of Manos: The Hands of Fate with Tammy Faye Baker's former religious flare (-- and eye make-up), sprinkled with a little Herschel Gordon Lewis inspired gore, the plot-logic and Shakespearean sincerity of Robot Monster and every anti-drug scare film you've ever seen, you'd probably agree that such a combination would probably have some noxious -- if not totally lethal, results when consumed. Then imagine if that whole concept was scripted by Ed Wood and directed by Coleman Francis, and only then might you get an inkling as to exactly what kind of a brain-bending movie-watching experience Blood Freak truly is.

After stumbling through his monologue about fate and destiny, when the narrator reveals that he has a morality play in store for us, the soundtrack turns from ominous to obnoxious as he throws us over to the Florida Turnpike, where we meet our protagonist, Hershell (Steven Hawkes), a muscle-bound, motorcycle-riding Vietnam vet who doesn't have a care in the world -- but fate, he typed ominously, has something else in store for him:

All he had to do was keep on driving but Herschel decides to stop and help a lady motorist in distress. Now, I use the term "distress" loosely because all she did was stop the car, get out, and looked at the hood, which probably explains why, when Herschel stops and offers to help, the car has magically healed itself. This mystery woman then invites him to follow her home, to which he agrees -- and I'm assuming all of this because even though there appears to be dialogue going on, there is no sound!

 ... And I already know I'm gonna need more beer.

These two drive on and on until the soundtrack piles up and crashes to an abrupt halt as we move inside some swinging pad, where a group of no-goodniks are submerged in a orgy of drug taking (-- huffing glue, pill popping, reefer, goofballs, bennies etc.) Enter Hershell and the distressed motorist, who finally introduces herself as Angel (Heather Hughes). As her name implies, Angel is a God-fearing bible enthusiast, who warns Hershell about her sister, Ann (Dana Culliver), and her hippy friends. Once introduced to the offending sister, who offers Hershell a little reefer, Angel is very happy when he turns her down, saying drugs aren't his thing. The elder sister also begs for Ann to finally give up her evil ways. But little sis has heard this speech before and stopped listening a long time ago.

After Angel leaves to change clothes, several other female patrons try to woo the beefy Hershell but he rebuffs them all. Thinking Hershell is too much a man to be wasted on her holier-than-thou sister, Ann conspires with the greasy Guy (Larry Wright) to get him hooked on the reefer so she can have a shot at him. Given some potent stuff that Guy guarantees will do the trick, Ann watches as Angel and Hershell debate theological issues over in the corner, like using sticks and stones to commit adultery (?!?). With its wanton debauchery soon getting out of hand, the party gets to be too much for bible studying. But before they go, Angel tries to redeem Ann one more time, only to have her pleas and verse thrown back at her as Ann gives them both hell about judging yet ye be judged (-- or something --) before kicking them both out. But as they go, Ann still has a heavily mascared eye on our dope, Hershell.

Chiming in again, the narrator proceeds to blather about the fantastic order of things, oblivion, and the choices we make that shape our destiny ... Who are we to judge, man ... On one hand you have the good sister. On the other, the bad. So which path should he take? (Man Robert Frost so ripped this movie off.) He then concludes this interlude by warning Hershell that the seekers of the truth must choose a path, and to be wary; for the results may be worse than the hell he saw in Vietnam. Amen, brother.

Our story resumes with Angel taking Hershell to meet her father. Liking Hershell and his life's philosophy, the father offers him a job at his turkey ranch. Desperately needing the work, Hershell is definitely interested but has no place to stay until Angel offers he can just stay with them. So it's all set and Hershell will start work the first thing Monday morning. But! Monday is still a few days away yet, giving Ann ample time to get her hooks into the big lug. 

The next morning it begins, when she finds Hershell cleaning the pool. Donning a skimpy bikini, Ann puts the vamp on him but he does not bend, and while he blathers about how drugs are bad, and why can't she be more like Angel, Ann digs out some of the good stuff that Guy gave her from her secret stash in a Band-Aid box (-- product placement?). After lighting up, she offers Hershell a drag, who refuses until she throws a hissy-fit and calls him a coward. Offended, Hershell grabs the roach and takes a nice long drag off of it. Then another. And another. And as they both take several more hits, the couple are soon in full-blown dementia mode -- and giggling like idiots. Now that he's good and stoned, Ann makes her move and promises "That when I'm done, you'll be glad I'm not at all like my sister" as she leads him off into the bedroom.

Luckily, the narrator saves us from having to poke our eyes out by interjecting, and raves Who could resist such temptation. (And is everyone else raising their hands, too? Everyone? Good.) He then debates if this action is really bad, and then bemoans the fate of those who like to lather, rinse and repeat their mistakes. Taking another drag and a peek at the script, he then ends this interlude by losing his train of thought and shouting "Right on!"

When Monday morning finally arrives, Hershell emerges from the green haze of Ann's bedroom, late for work. And while the guy on the soundtrack stomps on his wah-wah peddle, Hershell rolls his hog into the Midway Turkey Farm and Hatchery and heads toward the holding pens, where the captive turkeys gobble ominously. (And if you listen close you can hear someone cawing and cooing, trying to get the recalcitrant turkey's to make some noise.) Now everyone knows that every Turkey Farm has its own super-secret lab where dubious experiments with chemical additives goes on -- and Midway is no different. Tom, the girl's father, introduces Hershell to his head researchers, Lenny and Gene, and tells them to put Hershell to work.

Just so we can keep them apart: Lenny is the one with the beard, while Gene is the one who can never remember his lines and keeps looking at the camera when he knows he's not supposed to.

Curious about what kind of work he's supposed to doing, aside from the general labor, Lenny informs Hershell that they've been experimenting with certain drugs on the turkeys and need someone to see if there are any detrimental side-effects. Hershell isn't so sure about eating the tainted meat but Gene assures him it's safe -- it's just something they have to do for the government, and they sweeten the pot by offering some of their extra drugs as a bonus. (Wait. Wait. Wait. They're feeding the turkeys pot?) Hershell agrees and will start tomorrow, Lenny reminds him to "Bring your appetite." As for the rest of today, Hershell proves himself to be a fine poultry wrangler -- until he starts suffering from withdrawal. And by the time he returns home, he's hurting for a fix real bad. Ann tries to comfort him but that's not what he craves. She calls Guy, who brings more drugs over, and they immediately torch-up. Satiated, Hershell stops twitching, but grows violent when Guy asks for payment, and then threatens the little weasel that since he got him hooked, he will provide his drugs for free. Fearing for his life, Guy agrees.

The next day, Lenny presents Hershell with his first batch of chemically altered turkey that's been basted in heroin and stuffed with the finest hallucinogenic mushrooms and peyote, and then served with a delicious poppy seed gravy. Hershell gives it a quick sniff for safety, shrugs, then digs in ... The other turkeys watch in horror as Hershell gorges himself on their former comrade, but when he finishes up (-- and I can't believe he ate the whole thing), the meat doesn't sit well in his stomach. In fact, it's starting to revolt. Quickly moving away from the table, our boy wanders off into the bushes, where he roams around in a drug induced delirium until he stumbles, falls down, and starts twitching -- that rapidly degenerates into full blown convulsions! Eventually, Lenny finds Hershell in this agitated state, panics, and moves to call for help. But he stops, considers the consequences, then gathers Hershell up and drags him off the property. Later, Lenny and Gene try to explain to Tom why they didn't call an ambulance and just dumped Hershell's body down the road. (Gene! Stop looking at the camera!) After their boss rips these "dumb bastards" (-- the movie's favorite catch phrase --) a new asshole for exacerbating the situation, since all they did was feed him some turkey, which makes one wonder if Tom was aware of these experiments, when he leaves to clean their mess up, Gene and Lenny realize if they stick around there's going to be a lot of questions from the police and both agree to skip town.

Meanwhile, Ann worries because Hershell hasn't come home yet -- who is still lying in a ditch, convulsing away. Suddenly, the twitching stops, and where once a dope strung-out dope fell, a new monster arises to stalk the earth. A creature so wretched, so horrible, that it defies all laws of nature. A creature that is half-man and half-poultry. A Were-Turkey -- with the body of a man and the [papier-mâché] head of giant turkey. Yes. Hershell isn't Hershell anymore. He's become the dreaded Blood Freak! 

Turkey-Hershell returns home and finds Ann in the bedroom, and with one look at his beaked and feathered head, she screams and promptly passes out. Scribbling a quick note, he wakes her up to reads it. Realizing it's Hershell, Ann is able to talk to him as long as she doesn't look at his face, but all he can do is gobble a response. (Actual turkey noises!) According to the note, he needs more drugs, but Ann is more concerned about their future together. I mean, What if his new look never wears off? As Ann starts to feel guilty, realizing all this is probably her fault, she promises to help him in anyway she can. (Man, she must be high because there's a frigging mutant turkey-man in her room!) This guilt-attack is short lived, though, and she's soon whining again because if he stays like this, it will ruin all her plans. Seems Ann wanted to get married but now she's not so sure and quickly lists the pros and cons: What would the kids think about their father having a turkey head? In fact. What would their kids look like? (No. I can't believe this crap, either.) Hershell's answer to all her worries is to cut the lights, plunging the room into complete darkness. Somewhere in the murk, Ann calls his name anxiously. No answer. She calls his name again. Still no answer. One more time and we finally get a gobble in reply. She then cries "Oh, Hershell" in orgasmic pleasure. 

And a woman has sex with a turkey-monster. Screen history, folks. Screen history.

After the deed, Ann calls Angel for help, sobbing ( -- and I wonder why? Maybe because you just slept with a turkey-monster you demented hose-bag! --), and confesses that not only did she get Hershell addicted to drugs, things have gotten much worse -- a lot worse, and Angel must come see it to believe it.

And then the narrator interrupts again, who finds the latest development quite interesting. Only when things get really really bad do we turn to God, and while he rambles, Ann shows Angel Hershell's new look. Unlike her sister, Angel takes it well. (And I mean well in that she doesn't sleep with it.) Will of God and all that, I guess. Then the narrator ends this particular diatribe by warning to be careful what you pray for.

Time passes, and Ann calls in a couple of her stoner friends (-- who I've dubbed Tanner and Ogilve due to their striking resemblance to a couple of The Bad News Bears --) because she needs their help in keeping a steady supply of drugs for Turkey-Hershell. Of course, they don't believe her stories until she calls Hershell out to meet them. Now, I'm gonna assume that these three are so baked, or some drug-residue from the film has come out of the TV, causing us not to notice that Hershell has suddenly teleported outside to prowl around the windows of somebody else's house. Spying a man shooting a woman up with heroin, Turkey-Hershell tip-toes around to the front and ambushes the woman when she leaves and drags her off into the bushes. Back at Ann's place, as she, Tanner, and Ogilve sit in a circle of green haze, the two potheads agree to help anyway they can; but It won't be easy because Hershell scared Guy off, making the drugs harder to come by. Then, when the drugs finally kick-in and hit Ogilve, he points out that the turkey-monster really isn't Hershell anymore and fears he might hurt somebody. (Hey! Somebody's finally making sense.) But Ann still loves Hershell and believes he will get better.

Meanwhile, Turkey-Hershell finds another woman strung out on heroin and attacks her. Stringing her up by her ankles, he then slits her throat and feasts on the cascading torrent of blood that runs out. But as Turkey-Hershell cups the blood in his hands and smears it all over his pressed-pulp beak, another woman witnesses this attack and screams once -- just once, but then the sound man loops that exact same scream in ELEVEN FRIGGIN' times. Back at the house, Ann is still blubbering about ruining Hershell's life but finally agrees that maybe he is a monster. Telling her not to worry, Tanner and Ogilve promise that they'll take care of everything. And they'd better hurry, too, as Turkey-Hershell's hunt finds yet another woman strung out on heroin. (Yes: he'll only drink the blood of drug-addicts, and apparently, only female drug addicts at that.) Stringing this one up in the exact same fashion, he starts draining and drinking her blood, and after we hear that same looped scream five more times, it finally alerts the neighbors, who come out to investigate ... Moving quickly, Turkey-Hershell throttles the first man who comes out -- who says something like "wogga-wagga" while being throttled. They looped that too. This brings out the man's husky son -- or it might be his wife. I don't know. Let's call him Pat, who swoons over the dead body, and then throws his/her doughy frame into the fray. Tackling the killer, Pat takes a handy ice-pick and stabs the monster right in the eye. But as Turkey-Hershell screams -- e'yup, that's looped to infinity as well -- he wrestles the ice pick away from Pat and returns the favor, several times. Clutching at his gored eye, Turkey-Hershell then stumbles off into the night.

Now inexplicably, even for this movie, Ann decides to get over Hershell by shacking back up with Guy. While Ann takes a nap, Guy calls his supplier and asks for more drugs. But this supplier (-- who looks like Michael Moriarity, so we'll call him Mike --) tells Guy to get lost because he failed to pay for his last batch of drugs. When Guy swears he has money this time, Mike warns he better -- or else.

And on that note, as Turkey-Hershell continues to stumble around, I'd like to take this opportunity to implore the cameraman to at least try and keep the damn actor in frame or at the least keep him in focus. Thank you.

Mike shows up with the drugs but Guy is $75 short. No sale. Gathering the drugs up, the angry supplier is about to leave when Greasy Guy makes him an offer he can't refuse: he's got a beautiful chick who will sleep with just about anything that Mike can have if it will square all accounts. Mike, of course, wants to see this chick first, and after he gets an eye full of Ann, he agrees to the offer and promptly kicks Guy out of the house to *ahem* collect his debt ... As he approaches the sleeping girl and starts to fondle her breasts, thinking it's Hershell, Ann starts to wake up. (Honey, you came to see Guy, remember? No. You probably don't. Never mind.) Not recognizing the man molesting her, Ann tries to scream but Mike quickly muffles her. And since she won't stop struggling, he starts to strangle her until he sees an enraged Turkey-Hershell spying on them through the window. Mike panics and quickly walks away. (Why isn't he running? You'll find out in a second.) Retreating to a nearby machine shop, with the clucking Turkey-Hershell right behind him, Mike makes the wrong turn and is caught and thoroughly beaten. And then this one-sided brawl ends with the monster throwing him onto a table saw, which Turkey-Hershell fires up and promptly chops Mike's leg off! While grasping his bloody stump, as is the film's modus operandi, Mike's screams are looped in ad nauseum until he finally stops -- What? Did the tape break? -- and dies.

A truly effective scene -- except for the screaming, the actor playing Mike was really missing a leg, adding a realistic touch to the low-rent gore F/X.

Stumbling outside, Turkey-Hershelll finds a clearing, falls to his knees and clasps his hands in prayer as he looks to the heavens for help. Unfortunately, he doesn't realize that Tanner and Ogilve have been following him. Approaching Hershell from behind, Ogilve quietly raises a machete, and then brings the blade down to deliver a lethal blow ... But we cut before it's impact -- to an actual turkey getting it's head lopped off! (*snaps fingers* That's what the movie was missing! Genuine animal snuff. Good grief...) We're then privileged to watch the headless body flop around for awhile in slow motion until it finally stops before we cut again to dinner party, where the main course is served: a platter of turkey meat and Hershell's turkey head. And as the meat is torn to pieces and consumed by some unknown feasters, the film fades to black...

The End?

Nope. Not quite. 

The screen fades back in on Hershell, still twitching in the ditch, just as Tom finds him and wakes him up. It was all a horrible dream. (Boo!) Later, Hershell confesses that he was badly injured in Vietnam and got addicted to painkillers, and has supplemented that with other drugs ever since. Tom says not to worry, they'll call Angel, who works with addicts at the local recovery center. 

As Hershell starts the long, hard road to sobriety, feeling guilty, Ann calls Angel and confesses that she gave Hershell some bad drugs, swearing that if she new he was already an addict, she never would have done that. Seems Ann still loves Hershell but can't face him after what she's done. But Angel assures her sister that if Hershell truly loves her, he'll forgive her -- and the Lord works in mysterious ways.

Our beloved narrator chimes in one last time, and rambles some more about change and probability, and warns everyone that the abuse of your body is a quick road to ruin. However, these chemicals are everywhere. In the food we eat. In the water we drink. And in the air we breath. And almost on cue, he takes a huge drag off the cigarette and starts hacking up a lung. He then announces, between hacks, that he will give us one more look at the players in our story. (And watch for his final look of indignity.)

We spy Ann, wandering down a pier, in a melancholy mood. But her mood picks up when she spots Hershell. They embrace and share a kiss. And since they've both kicked their drug habits (-- forgive me --) cold turkey, the couple will face the future together drug free and in the service of the Lord.

The End

Un-buh-lievable!

We have a chain-smoking narrator with a nasty hacking cough, who waxes about stuff that's basically irrelevant to the film; a big and dopey leading man, who's half Arnold Schwarzenneger and half Elvis Presley, who is destined to become the first turkey-monster in screen history; a bible-thumping, verse-misquoting vixen clad in a mod mini-skirt; and her dope-smoking sister with a thing for thick mascara, who isn't sure she can marry a turkey monster -- but is more then willing to have sex with it! As a film, Blood Freak is incredibly audacious, yet taken so seriously that the mind can only boggle at the sheer magnitude of it. Watch as the actors keep flubbing and butchering their dialogue while they desperately try to not look at the camera or crack a smile (-- and fail 90% of the time.) Marvel at how the cameraman can't keep the action in focus -- or in frame! Plug your ears as the soundman uses that the same scream, laugh, or gobble and loops it in over and over and over...

Well, it all started on two different movie sets in the aforementioned state of Florida. (Home of Stomp Tokyo, Disneyworld, botched elections and the source of many bizarre exploitation movies.) A part-time film-instructor, Brad Grinter was also a full-time nudist who funneled some of his student's tuitions for his own film projects. He had just made his directorial debut the year before with the gruesome Flesh Feast. Inspired by fellow Floridian, H.G. Lewis, this was the last screen appearance of Veronica Lake, who played an evil scientist that created a batch of flesh-eating worms for Adolf Hitler's face. Meanwhile, Steven Hawkes, Grinter's future partner in crime, was a muscle-bound European actor -- complete with a thick accent and a thick head, topped off with an Elvis Presley style pompadour and side-burns. And it was while in Florida shooting a couple of Spanish Tarzan knock-offs, during the filming of Tarzan and the Brown Prince, that a botched fire-effect left Hawkes with burns over 90-percent of his body. (If you look at his arms during Blood Freak, the scarring is pretty obvious.) To avoid any legal hassles, the Spanish film crew skipped off to South America, leaving Hawkes behind to recuperate. Needing money to foot his medical bills, he starred in a couple of skanky one-reel roughies, which brought him to the attention of Grinter, who also dabbled in the nudist genre, and somehow these two found some financial backing for a feature and Blood Freak was born. 

But at some point, the financier got cold feet, backed out, and disappeared, leaving Hawkes and Grinter with an unfinished film and no money to continue. They managed to cobble together what they had and shot the last few scenes (-- okay, about half the movie --) in 8mm. Upon completion, the film fell victim to the newly installed MPAA ratings system and was slapped with an X-Rating for violence. Unable to secure a distributor, the film's theatrical run was almost non-existent and it only raked in about $170,000 (-- but you have to figure that $169,977.24 of it was profit once you figured in costs.) After their film did a belly-flop into an empty pool, Grinter made a few more nudist colony pictures and then disappeared off the cinematic map. As for Hawkes, he made just two more soft-core films before retiring from the business and opened up a nature reserve for big cats in Loxahatchee, Florida where he still is today.

UPDATE: In the summer of 2004, when reports came out of Florida about a pet tiger escaping from a private sanctuary that terrorized a bunch of locals until it was shot dead by a wildlife-control officer, the name of the rogue animal's owner, Steve Sipek, rang a familiar bell in my head, but I thought, nah, couldn't be him. But then I saw footage of the morose owner as he decried the senseless slaughter of his beloved pet, and though twenty years older, sure enough, I pointed at the TV screen and shouted, "That's Hershell!" 

You see, according to legend, when the set caught fire during the climax of Tarzan and the Brown Prince, Sipek, along with his leading lady, Kitty Swan, were tied to a couple of poles, and when the fire raged out of control, while everyone else fled, a lion named Samson freed the actor and dragged him to safety. (The legend makes no mention of what happened to his co-star, but Swan was also badly burned and the accident killed her career.) After this selfless act, Sipek decided to spend the rest of his life caring for abused and disowned cats, and he did his thing in relative anonymity until one of his animals decided to go for an unsupervised stroll.

I'll also take this opportunity to give the fine folks behind Something Weird a glowing review and kudos on their Blood Freak DVD. The movie has been digitally remastered, although I don't know why because half the film is out of focus or blurred badly from blowing up the Super-8 film. But not only do you get the feature film, you also get over three hours of extras, including The Walls Have Eyes (-- one of Hawkes' sleazy nudies), Brad Grinter: Nudist, and four more shorts ranging from The Horrors of Narcotics to the joys of Thanksgiving and over a dozen trailers to similar-themed gore films. Are all of their DVD's this crammed packed with goodies? If so, I know where I'm blowing my Christmas money.

Every B-Movie fanatic, cult-movie freak, and crap-movie maven worth their stones needs to see this movie at least once. Words really fail me when I try to explain this movie's effect on me. The best way I can sum it up is, as much as I love it, I have to be careful with the film and can only watch it sparingly. Why? The movie is so gloriously bad, but made me laugh so hard, I honestly fear for my health.

Beyond that, I'll just let the movie speak for itself. Seek this movie. Find this movie. Watch this movie. And you will love this movie, to. Trust me.