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The fine proprietors of 3B Theater have thrown out a challenge to our guest reviewer extraordinaire, Naked Bill Rinehart, to pull off a trio of brain-numbing films featuring pop divas: Glitter, Crossroads and Spice World. And already conquering the turd mountain that was Glitter, Our Boy proves his intestinal fortitude is mighty by next tackling pop-princess / trailer trash Britney Spears' epic tale, Crossroads. C'mon, now, it's not like I asked him to review a Hillary Duff movie. Anyways, Naked Bill has returned the challenge and wants me to review some movie called Xanadu ... Anybody know what that's about?

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Three giggly girls are digging in the woods, one dark night. "Deeper! Deeper!" they cry. (And I’m already uncomfortable with what I’ve inferred. I’m a bad, bad man.) Kit, Lucy, and Mimi are 10-years-old and are burying a "dream box." (That’s a box you put your dreams in, by the way.) The girls pledge to open the box at midnight of their graduation day, and promise to be "best friends forever".

We flash forward 8 years to find Lucy (Britney Spears) dancing in her underwear. (Every guy dragged along to this movie is now telling himself, "Hey! This ain’t so bad!") Lucy jumps up and down on her bed, until Pop (Dan "I’ll do anything" Aykroyd) bursts in. She has to get ready for graduation. She has to rehearse her speech. Can’t have the valedictorian messing up her speech, he warns. (The only thing I remember about my graduation ceremony is the hangover.)

Meanwhile, back at school, we meet the 18-year-old Mimi (Taryn Manning) who, according to the guys she passes in the hall, is a slut. She’s also pregnant. (She also looks more than a little like a young Margot Kidder.) We also find the grown Kit (Zoe Saldana), with her underlings in tow. Kit’s become quite the snob, and doesn’t talk to Mimi or Lucy anymore. Lucy, in addition to being valedictorian, has a dork for a boyfriend. And the rumor is she’s still a virgin! (Yeah. Thanks for reinforcing that image, Britney.)

After graduation, Pop finds Lucy crying. She’s upset because being valedictorian didn’t mean anything. (It didn’t? Tell that to the American Valedictorian Anti-Defamation League!) But Pop is more than a little pushy, and can only think about the future of his only child. (How selfish of him! I mean, he’s like, totally smothering her.) And Lucy is "all he has", since her mom ran out, when she was 3.

It’s tough being a teenager these days, with sexual situations and brief teen drinking forced on an innocent audience, but parents are taking control. They’re working to prevent teen pregnancy with organized activities, like the post-graduation formal dance. (As my philosophy professor pointed out, American students have the best proms in the world. And this one is no exception.) There’s a live band, featuring Ben, (Anson Mount) on rhythm guitar. (Not since Anson Williams has an Anson done so much entertaining for so many.) Ben supposedly just got out of jail. (Cue ominous music.)

When Mmi reminds her former friends of their pledge to dig up the dream box, Kit isn’t interested and Lucy has promised to ‘open up her flower’ to her lab partner for the last 3 years, Henry (Justin Long). Then Kit gets ticked off because her girlfriends don’t believe she’s really going to marry her boyfriend Dylan (Richard Voll), who is off studying at UCLA. She leaves the dance, and with nothing better to do, finds the forest where Mimi is hunting for the buried treasure. Lucy shows up too, and they giggle as they share memories and hopes and dreams. (We never find out just how the scene between Lucy and Henry ends. Though it probably ended for Henry as soon as she displayed her bra, if you catch my drift.)

Kit put a Bridal Barbie in the box (-- had it only been in the original packaging, it’d be worth a fortune!), because she wanted to get married. Lucy put in a locket with her mom’s picture, because her wish was to find her mom, who is now living in Arizona. Mimi’s contribution was a small globe on a keychain because she wanted to put her feet in the Pacific Ocean. Well guess what? Kit’s dream is coming true, and because Mimi is going to California to audition for a recording contract, her wish could be granted too. 

But Lucy is still motherless. She tries to get information from Pop about her missing Mom, but all he says is that it’s best to leave it alone. Her mom doesn’t deserve to be contacted.

As Mimi packs up her things in Ben’s car, Lucy shows up and begs a ride to Arizona. And Kit shows up too. She wants to surprise her fiancée, (always a good idea), since he’s not planning on coming home anytime soon. Ben puts on his Enrique Inglesias cap, and they hit the road, where he lays down the law by maintaining strict control over the radio, and with maxims like "Nobody drives the Cruiser but me". (Can I get that printed on a puffy hat?)

At a Waffle House in Alabama, the travelers find they are woefully unprepared for a journey of such magnitude. They have only $486 between them. (High school girls without credit cards? I call No Way!) It’s enough money for food, gas and cheap lodging, but Lucy warns it may not be enough for anything else along the way. And while sharing a bathroom the next morning, the girls find time to gossip about their driver. Seems Ben (allegedly) killed someone.

'Lo and behold, the next day, right outside New Orleans, the Cruiser breaks down. While it’ll cost more than they have, Mimi has a plan. (We’ll fix up the old barn and turn it into a theater? Close.) She leads them to a Bourbon Street bar holding a karaoke contest. Mimi suffers stage fright, (that’s a good thing to have when you’re driving across the continent to audition for a record company), but Britney, er--, Lucy also has a great singing voice. She’s able to win the hearts, and money of the tavern audience with her version of Pat Benatar’s "I Love Rock and Roll." (Yes, I know the song is Joan Jett’s, but Britney apparently doesn’t.)

The girls are dancing and Ben tallies up the take. (Doesn’t he know? You never count your money while you’re sitting at the table. There’ll be time enough for counting when the dealings done.) One drunken college stud gets a little too frisky with Lucy, but Ben comes to her rescue, and hi-keebahs the guy in the nose. Saying he’s not mad at Lucy (and why would he be?) Ben gets all moody and disappears after checking the girls into a decent hotel. (It’s got a minibar!!) With Mr. Testosterone gone, the girls can get into serious Oprah territory. They split one of those tiny little bottles of vodka, and get drunk. (Well, Mimi doesn’t. She’s pregnant after all.) They talk about sex, life, hopes and dreams. But the real Lifetime Movie of the Week stuff doesn’t get discussed until the next morning.

Lucy talks about how her parents were always fighting and her mom leaving, and how she knows her mom wants to see her. Really. No. Honestly. She does. Then Mimi reveals she was raped after the one time she got drunk at a party. (Are you listening teenage girls in the audience? The filmmakers are talking to you.) And even worse, the rapist is the father of her baby.

After a good cry, and a group hug, the girls find Ben at the garage where the car is getting fixed. (Ben won’t say where he spent the night, but my guess is he was either spending some of the karaoke money, or making a little spending cash of his own, if ya know what I mean.) Before piling back in the car, Ben changes his shirt and gives Lucy an eyeful of the "jailhouse art" across his back. (Let’s face it. If Ben had really spent time in jail, he would have been traded back and forth like a carton of cigarettes.)

On that topic, Lucy finally gets the nerve up to ask Ben about his criminal record. And yes, he does have one. Ben did 6 months in lock-up for transporting a minor across state lines. (Ironic, considering his current company, ain’t it?) But, it was for a good cause. He was rescuing his step-sister from his violent step-father. So, after making goo-goo eyes at him the entire journey, Lucy learns that he’s not a bad man, and she can love this sullen stranger. She even trusts him enough to share her poetry with him in the desert, and they’re about to kiss, but get interrupted by Mimi. (Curse your timing, harlot!)

The gang arrives in Tuscon, (with Chicago-style pizza), and they find the mansion where Lucy’s mom lives. They drop her off and wish her well with the reunion. But turns out Mom (Kim Cattrall) doesn’t want to see her daughter. She’s started a new life, with 2 new sons. (The boys must have been through the immaculate conception, because while there are plenty of pictures of the boys on the mantle, there are no photos of her new man.) Well, Mom doesn’t want Lucy in that life, and says Lucy was a "mistake". (Ouch! Harsh!) To cheer her up, Ben puts Lucy’s poem, ("I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman" available now, from Jive Records) to music, and they finally kiss, in the Armada Room of the Tuscon Days Inn. (Que romantic music!)

It’s back on the road, and upon their arrival in Los Angeles, we’re treated to the standard "we’re in Los Angeles" shots. (Hollywood Sign, Capitol Records building, Movie Star homes tour signs, etc.) After a quick trip to the beach where Mimi can wet her feet, and it’s time to split up. Mimi and Kit go sightseeing, and Ben and Lucy stay in because they’re "tired." Well, the door is hardly closed when Ben and Lucy launch themselves into getting it on.

Kit decides to drop in on her fiancée, Dylan, and drags a very reluctant Mimi along for the ride. As you’ve probably guessed, Dylan is a slimeball, and has another chickie at home when Kit arrives. And he already knows Mimi. From a certain party last Christmas. Kit easily puts it all together, and slugs Dylan as Mimi falls down the stairs. She’s rushed to the hospital where a doctor informs everyone her baby has been lost. (Wow! It’s the same hospital in NBC’s Scrubs!) Lucy calls home, and asks Pop to come get her, and he’s there in record time. (He was on a mission from Gawd.)

But Lucy changes her mind. She loves that big lummox Ben, and can’t leave him. She’s also decided to audition for Mimi’s record label. (As long as the reason for driving out this way wasn’t wasted.) And so, our three girls all stay in California, and take time to bury another box in the earth. (This one better contain a bottle of Dom Perigon.) It contains not wishes this time, but their past lives.

Also, Crossroads doesn’t seem to take itself too seriously. It’s a movie for teenagers. Glitter was for ... Mariah Carey.