The review you're about to read is true. Several words have been misspelled, made up, or misused to protect the innocent.

End voice simulator program.

__  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __

As a familiar voice introduces us to the city of Los Angeles, circa 1966, we get the nickel tour of all 415 square miles of the city and surrounding communities. The voice first takes us to the winding canyons of the San Fernando Valley, where on a particular secluded road, we spy some poor woman, bound and gagged, struggling mightily while her tormentor sets up some camera equipment. Then, the photographer, who we never see except from behind, takes up one more piece of rope and closes in. His intent is clear as we watch, through the eye of his camera, while he closes in for the kill. Suddenly, the scene switches to black and white and we pull back, revealing that we are now watching the killer relive his crime by watching his home movies. Next, our tour continues to the undeveloped section of town as the narrator fills us in on the city's codes and fines for illegal trash dumping while a dark sedan roars into a vacant lot, dumps a dead body, and then roars off again. At last, our depressing tour ends as we're told that Los Angeles is also a well known convention center with hundreds of hotels and accommodations. Some rooms are more expensive then others, however ... Taking us into one of these rooms, we spy yet another dead body on a bed, while the narrator informs us that check-out times may vary from hotel to hotel. The killer is still in the room, rifling through the dead man's wallet but we never see his face, either, though one can't help but notice a large tattoo of a rose on his arm.

A canyon road. A vacant lot. A hotel room. When their purpose is obvious it's business as usual. When they're used for something else, that's when the narrator goes to work.

His name's Friday. He carries a badge.

Daaahn! Da-Dahnt-Dahnt! 

Daaahn-da-dahnt-dahn-daaaaaahhhhhnnnn!

Robbery/Homicide detective Joe Friday's (Jack Webb) vacation is cut short due to a shortage of man power. Seems that with the impending visit of some Russian dignitary, a lot of personnel have been assigned as security leaving most departments short-handed. So, Captain Brown (Gene Evans) calls Friday back early and his partner, Bill Gannon (Harry Morgan), brings him up to speed on their latest case: the mysterious disappearances of three young women. Due to health reasons, Gannon is due to retire at the end of the week and wants to get this one solved before turning in his badge.

The lurid nature of the case is getting big play in the newspapers. The first two missing girls worked as models, and they both had taken on a private job and were never heard from again. The third, a Carol Freeman, had belonged to a Lonely Hearts Club and was last seen leaving on a date with someone she met at one of their socials. Friday and Gannon track down her brother, George (Bobby Troup), and ask him some questions. Carol was a single mother; her husband had been killed in Vietnam. George gives them a picture of Carol and we notice it's the girl we saw tied up in the canyon. Asked if he knew the man she was dating, the brother proves ignorant but gives a general description; and all he really remembers was that his name was Johnson, that he drove a blue or black sedan, and that they met at the Adam and Eve Club. He also remembers noticing the back seat of his car was filled with camera equipment.

The detectives return to the station and run a check on all sexual offenders named Johnson. The list is a mile long but they begin to try and narrow it down with no real luck.

Next stop: the Adam and Eve club, that's abuzz with activity, as they prepare for their next social. The detectives are first mistaken as the ice cream providers but that's soon cleared up when they finally corral Mrs. Kroeger (Virginia Gregg) in her office. She runs the club that tries to match lonely Adams with equally lonely Eves. Wanting information on Johnson, she claims confidentiality until Friday threatens to have her licensed pulled. She begrudgingly pulls the files; turns out there are 92 Johnsons listed. Probing further, Kroeger continues to drag her feet, not wanting to ruin the reputation of her club with this scandal, much to the detective's consternation. She finally reveals who Carol was supposed to meet that night and turns his file over to Gannon. But he was a new member and had no photo on file yet. Just his name, J. Johnson, and his address, which turns out to be bogus. A quick check of the neighbors produces no evidence of a J. Johnson ever living in the area. After that dead end, Friday puts a call into headquarters to have two sketch artists meet up with Freeman and Kroeger to try and get a description of this J. Johnson while Gannon starts a background check on the suspect with the DMV. There are over 2000 J. Johnsons registered with vehicles in the city.

Next, the detectives head to Central Division to see if any citations or traffic tickets were issued to any Johnsons on the night of Carol's disappearance. They even dig back as far as the first missing girl and come up with 37 possible matches. Both sketch artists return but are puzzled; they thought they were working on the same case, but their sketches look like two completely different men. Neither detective puts much faith in Kroeger's description, since she's trying to protect her business, but it's all they've got. They take both sketches and return to the Adam and Eve club for the evening's social to see if anyone recognizes J. Johnson.

The club is packed with lonely people trying not to be so lonely anymore. Friday and Gannon split up and circulate the sketches but aren't having much luck. One lonely lady starts hitting on Friday, when Gannon interrupts them, saying he found someone who recognizes the man matching Freeman's sketch. Asking the man to step outside, they question him further. He claims to have sat next to Johnson at one of the socials and thought he was kind of odd. The witness swears he'd recognize him if he saw him again. With that, the detectives try to go back inside but Kroeger intercepts them at the door and refuses to let them in, claiming harassment. To make matter worse, the witness quickly reneges, saying he couldn't swear under oath that the sketch was the same man.

After a frustrating first day of investigation, Friday returns to the office to try again. He finds Gannon already there, scouring over some paperwork. After rehashing what little they have both men agree that unless something breaks, the odds of finding Carol Freeman are slim to none. Another detective approaches and asks Friday for some help. Seems Sgt. Bradford (John Roseboro) has just nabbed Carl Rockwell (Jack Ragotzy), a three time loser, for child molestation. He confessed to the arresting officers, but now, hoping to get off on a legal technicality, claims he didn't understand his Miranda rights and refuses to cooperate any further. Since Friday was the arresting officer who sent Rockwell up the river the first two times, Bradford hopes he can work his magic again. Friday gladly offers to help and sits in on the interrogation, but he remains quiet while Bradford questions the perp. He remains quiet until Rockwell mouths off and uses a racial slur against Bradford, which triggers one of Joe Friday's best diatribes against a criminal low-life that I've ever heard as he dresses down Rockwell for the child molesting scum that he is. Every crook from Cain to Capone tried to use a legal loophole to get off but they're all just as guilty, Friday fumes, and then ends the rant by looking Rockwell in the eye, saying if the Department doesn't question the color of Bradford's skin, he'd better make damn sure that he doesn't either.

Returning to the squad room, Friday finds Gannon talking to Watson, the chief of personnel, who is reminding his partner that he must turn in his badge and ID card by 4:30pm. After Gannon promises to be on time he tells Watson to skip the middleman and just make the final check out to his credit union. But then the Captain interrupts them; it's just been reported that their main suspect in the Carol Freeman case is dead.

The detectives drive out to a vacant lot in the undeveloped part of town -- that we recognize from the beginning of the film, where the dark sedan had done some illegal dumping. The coroner gives them the score: the death was caused by multiple stab and gunshot wounds. Shot three times in the back and twice in the head, there is no identification on the body, just a wristwatch, a book of matches, and his face is covered with a yellow powder that the coroner thinks is powdered mustard. And who ever killed the man, probably threw it in the victim's face first to blind him. The victim does resemble the sketch of their suspect, so they put in a request for Freeman and Kroeger to come to the morgue and look at the body to see if it is J. Johnson.

When the victim's fingerprints don't match anything on record, a copy is sent off to the FBI in Washington. Freeman comes in as requested and views the body. He can't be 100% sure, but it does looks like the man who picked up his sister. He's sick, because if it is, this probably means something bad has happened to Carol. Friday assures him that they don't have all the facts yet and not to give up hope. Kroeger, meanwhile, refuses to come in. No surprise to the detectives. Gannon feels she's been lying to them all along. Friday doesn't disagree, knowing she's only trying to protect her and her business' reputation. The matchbook they found on the body was from the Hotel Kingsley. It's all they got, so they leave to check it out.

Pee break.

The two check out the Hotel, but the manager doesn't recognize the sketch and there is no one registered under the name J. Johnson. He encourages them to check back in an hour with his assistant. They do and finally catch a break: the assistant recognizes the sketch as a man who registered as a Charles LeBorge, and the plot thickens when his home address is Paris, France. After checking out his room, they call in a fingerprint team to scour the place. Digging further finds LeBorge made only one phone call to a William Smith. Confounded with the common names that plague this case, it will take some time to get his address; but get it they do.

They find Smith (Roger Til) and his heavy French accent at home. Apparently, Charles LeBorge is his brother, who is/was here visiting from Paris. They break the news of his brother's death and he takes it pretty hard. When Gannon asks if LeBorge was into photography or owned any cameras, Smith says no. His brother was in the jewelry business. He was here last night, but Smith was at his citizenship class (-- he wants to become an American and wanted an American name, so he chose Smith), and LeBorge was gone when he got home. Maybe Claude, LeBorge's young son, knows where he went ... Claude (Gerald Michenard) can't speak any English, so Smith breaks the bad news to him. As Claude's big, doughy eyes well up in tears, he says his father went to a hotel on business and left Smith a note that he forgot about, until now. He gives the note to Friday but it's in French, too. Smith translates that LeBorge met two new friends who were interested in buying jewelry at the Cafe Rue de la Paix. It also says luck is with him because one of the buyers speaks French.

Claude blubbers in French and tugs on Friday's coat. Smith translates, saying he wants them to catch his father's killers. When he latches onto Friday's leg, the detective tells Smith he doesn't need to translate anymore.

When the detectives question the car attendant at the cafe he recognizes Le Borge's photo and says two guys were with him, who were driving a '59 Buick LeSabre ... After much checking and cross-checking, they find eight Buicks of that vintage that are owned by less than reputable characters. One in particular is owned by Max Shelton: a parolee who went down for assault and robbery. Gannon has a hunch that this is one of their men, and then Friday clinches it when he cross-references Shelton's known acquaintances and turns up Rico Martel because, according to his record, Martel can speak French. Checking with Shelton's parole officer the detectives find out that the two men are living together, and after confirming their I.D. with parking attendant it's a slam-dunk. With a warrant in hand they head out to make an arrest, but Watson intercepts them to remind Gannon that he must turn his badge in at 4:30 for his walking papers. Gannon assures him he'll be back before then.

Friday and Gannon issue their warrant by breaking down the apartment door with guns drawn. Martel (Herbert Ellis) surrenders, but Shelton (Eddie Firestone) appears to be missing until Friday hears someone in the kitchen and kicks the door open, sending Shelton sprawling. As the suspect scrambles for his gun, when Friday's begs him to give him an excuse to shoot him he surrenders quietly. A quick search finds a switchblade in Martel's pocket and a bag of Bennies on Shelton. When the two hoods refuse to talk, they're split up. Friday takes Shelton back into the kitchen and starts going through the cupboards, where he finds several containers of mustard powder. Shelton still loudly refuses to talk, but Friday really isn't asking him any questions. Then, Friday and Gannon switch partners, but still, no questions are asked of either man. (I'm smelling the old bait and switch.) They switch partners again (-- oh, swing your partners, round and round, dosey-doe and away we go ... Now promenade!) and Friday tells Shelton Martel copped out, claiming he just wanted to roll LaBorge but Shelton was high, and had to get his kicks, and killed him for the thrill of it. The ruse works, Shelton breaks and says it was all Martel's idea. Bringing the two felons back together they both spontaneously confess all over each other. And while Gannon calls it in, the crooks reveal where they hid the jewelry and money, hidden in a bible to dry after they washed the bills to get LaBorge's blood off. Gannon tells Friday that a couple of uniforms will be by to take these two in. Apparently, they've got more important business to attend to:

Another woman has disappeared.

The fourth missing girl is a Betty Mason: another model. She was supposed to be a bridesmaid at a wedding but never showed. The bride to be called in the missing persons report. Nothing seems amiss at Mason's immaculate apartment. All of her clothes and suitcases are still there, but the landlady claims she hasn't seen her for over 24-hours. As the storm finally breaks and the torrential rains come, all the detectives can do is put out an APB on Mason. And here, after a frustrating succession of dead ends, Friday's frustration finally boils over. This J. Johnson can't be that good, he fumes. He has to have slipped up somewhere, right? What are they missing? Friday then notices something: two empty candy wrappers in an ashtray. Mason was a model and was probably counting her calories, he surmises ... The apartment is spotless, so they probably belonged to the last person that was here ... J. Johnson? Maybe ... A trashcan reveals a grocery sack with a stamped receipt for two candy bars that might just be the break they were hoping for.

They arrive at the Canyon Market as the rain steadily gets worse. Neither clerk recognizes Johnson's sketch but the stock boy does. Turns out the suspect first came in a few weeks ago, pulling a house trailer, and wanted to know if there where any trailer parks nearby. Recommended to the Canyon View trailer park, the last time the witness saw Johnson was last night when he came in and bought two candy bars. With that, the deadpan duo head back out into the rain to find the Canyon View trailer park.

Up in these hills, the torrential rain brings the danger of mudslides. They make their way to the park and knock on the manager's door. Shown Johnson's sketch, he recognizes the man as a Don Negler and shows the detectives Negler's registration card and where he parked. While Gannon copies down Negler's license number and vehicle type, the manager asks if there's going to be any trouble. Friday assures him there won't be -- unless Negler starts some ... But, they're too late. Negler's stall is empty. (Are these guys cursed?) When they knock on the next trailer's door a woman answers and says she's glad that creep's gone because he was always staring at her. Probing further finds the suspect hooked-up and left only twenty minutes ago. With that, they immediately put out an APB on Negler, alias J. Johnson, and his car to the Highway Patrol and all local jurisdictions. The rain continues to beat down hard when dispatch comes over the radio and reports that they've spotted Negler and are in pursuit. Friday and Gannon listen to the radio calls as Negler runs a police roadblock, but they've soon got him trapped in a housing development that's still under construction. Shots fired at that location.

When Friday and Gannon arrive on scene, a crazed Negler has the cops at bay. Seems he took several shots at them and then retreated into the trailer that is dangerously close to a rapidly disintegrating cliff. Fearing he's still got Mason inside, and what he might do to her if they try to rush him, they hold their ground. Through the rain, Friday spies something moving around the car and they get the spotlight's focused there. It's Negler (Vic Perrin), whose unhooked the trailer and threatens to dump it over the cliff with the woman inside if they don't back off. (It's a little aluminum two-wheeler, so this isn't as impossible as it sounds.) Friday tries to stall him over the loudspeaker as they weigh their options. The housing development supervisor was still at the sight when Negler showed up and warns that a mudslide is probably imminent, and Negler's rocking the trailer isn't helping. He also says there's an access road just below the trailer, but it's probably impassable by now. Feeling that's the only chance they got, Friday turns the bullhorn over to Gannon and tells him to stall.

Commandeering another cruiser, Friday speeds away as Gannon assures Negler that's the first car to go and more will follow but they need more time. Meanwhile, Friday slogs the car up the access road but that proves to be the easy part. He's got about a twenty-foot climb up a muddy incline to reach the trailer. And as he starts to climb up the cliff gives away and he falls back down to the road. He also dropped his gun but finds it, clogged with mud. Useless now, he reholsters it and tries the climb again. Dodging a couple of Styrofoam boulders, he reaches the top just as Negler finally loses it and let's the trailer go. When Negler spots him they duke it out, bringing the other cops a-running. Friday finally decks Negler and manages to get a rock jammed under the trailer wheel before it rolls over the edge ... While Negler is handcuffed, Gannon says he'll get the girl and enters the trailer. An unrepentant Negler says he should have killed Friday. Friday answers he tried -- and failed, buddy. Alas, Gannon comes back out with some bad news: Mason has been dead for what looks like several hours. Friday takes the news, and waits a single beat, then turns towards Negler.

Does he slug him? No. Does he read him the riot act for being the criminal degenerate he is? No. Joe Friday simply reads Negler his Miranda rights and places him under arrest for the murder of Betty Mason. When he asks if Negler understands his rights, Negler says it doesn't matter; they've got the toolbox, and that will tell them all they need to know.

After getting Negler some medical attention and dry pair of clothes, they return to headquarters for interrogation. Gannon takes him to a holding room while Friday confers with Captain Brown. Apparently, Negler won't admit to anything and keeps mumbling about a toolbox and all the answers they need will be found inside it. Brown says he'll try to keep the press at bay for as long as he can -- and to not let Negler know that they don't have the mystery toolbox.

As the interrogation begins, they grill Negler, saying they've got him for Mason's murder but what about the others? Told to bring in the toolbox, Negler promises he'll reveal all. When Gannon says the toolbox is in the lab and they're having trouble getting it open, Negler asks for his personal stuff and then gives them the key for it. Friday then tricks Negler into revealing where the toolbox is by complimenting him on the hiding place. Negler agrees, No one would have thought to look in Canyon View's storage shed. With that revelation, the detectives finally get lucky. Everyone they need is home; the warrants are soon signed; and soon, they'll have the toolbox and the final piece of this bizarre puzzle.

They bring in the toolbox and place it in front of Negler. Opening it, inside they find photos off all the missing girls. Each one of them tied up and restrained in different poses. Negler says he took those photos right before he killed them. He'll even show where he buried them. But when Friday asks why they had to die Negler gets irate and refuses to answer. And he warns not to push the point or he won't show them where the bodies are. 

It's time for Negler to meet the press, so Friday drags him into the squad room, where the photographers surround Negler and start taking pictures. All the flashbulbs visibly upset him. The reporters ask Friday for a statement but his official comment is "No comment at this time." As the bulbs keep flashing, Negler calls for Friday. He's ready to confess as to why he killed all those girls now. Friday quickly drags him back to the interrogation room, where Negler says he killed them because they asked him to. They all said they'd rather be dead than be with him.

With Negler's help, all four bodies are recovered. As Friday starts the paperwork to wrap up this grueling case Gannon moves to help until Watson stops him. Ordered to turn over his badge and ID card, Gannon and Friday say their goodbyes to each other. Friday promises to come and visit him at Pismo Beach, where Gannon and his wife plan to retire and live on clam chowder. As Gannon leaves, two other detectives haul in a surly looking brute and we spy a familiar tattoo on his arm. The faces may change but the game of cops and robbers remains the same, and as always, crime doesn't pay.

Eight months later, Friday is at the hospital for his annual physical. While putting his shirt back on, he spots a certain pair of argyle socks attached to some familiar bony knees that can only belong to one person. It's Gannon, who claims all the clam chowder he ate cleared up his ulcers, so he's been reinstated to the force. He's even been reassigned to Robbery/Homicide and can partner up with Friday again, if he'll have him. The film then on a rather lame joke that I won't bother going into ... And where the heck was the wrap up where we find out Negler's sentencing? C'mon? Don't let me down now ... Aww poop. At least we get to see the Mark IV production logo, with the hammer gonging the chisel into the metal.

The End

"Now you listen to me, you gutter-mouth punk. I've dealt with you before, and every time I did, it took me a month to wash off the filth. I'll tell you what you did to that four-year old girl out in Westlake Park: you staked out a bench like you've always done. You bought a sack of penny candy; you waited until the right little girl came along... You got her in your car. She started to cry; you hit her across the mouth twice. You cut her lip with your ring. Knocked out three of her teeth. And then you know what you did to her... Now, I didn't say that, Rockwell, you did. That's exactly what you told those officers who arrested you. They advised you of your constitutional rights before you opened your mouth. Now you're trying to tell us you didn't understand. Well, you're a liar... Like every hoodlum since Cain up through Capone, you've learned to hide behind some quirk in the law. And mister, you are a two-bit hoodlum. You've fallen twice for A.D.W. Burglary, three times. Twice for forcible rape; I tagged you for those. And now you've graduated: you've moved to the sewer. You're a child molester."

Movies and films can sometimes have a profound and stimulating effect on people's emotions. Pride being one of them. And there are several onscreen incidents that bring such a charge of endorphins from my brain that I actually get goose-bumps. In Casablanca, when Victor Lazlo inspires the bar patrons to sing "Les Marseilles" to drown out the Nazi anthem is a good example of one of these rushes. When Major Winters leads the men of Easy Company down the frozen road to Bastogne for the 101st Airborne's rendezvous with destiny in Band of Brothers is another. Yet, there is nothing that brings a feel-good rush like a scene of Sgt. Joe Friday reading the riot act to some two-bit hoodlum.

Fans of police procedurals like Law & Order and all it's offspring, owe a debt to Dragnet. When it moved from radio to TV in 1951, it's no-nonsense approach and attention to the mundane details of police work was a big hit and the show ran from 1951-1959. Jack Webb's Joe Friday was a hold over from the radio show. He was given a new partner, Bill Smith (Herb Ellis and later Ben Alexander), whose character brought a comedic touch to provide a foil for Friday's dry and dour character. Then, in the late 1960's, Universal became the king of a new fangled idea for the idiot box -- the made for TV movie. Owning the rights for Dragnet, they contacted Webb, who had served as the original show's producer, about reviving the show as a movie. Webb agreed to produce and direct Dragnet: 1966. As with all other Dragnet episodes, the case was based on an actual crime. This one was based on serial-killer Harvey Glatman, who killed three women in a similar fashion as Negler but was actually caught when his fourth victim fought back and escaped -- right into the arms of a passing patrolman. Pierce Brooks, the officer who helped trick Glatman into revealing where his toolbox was, served as a technical advisor for the film.

However, in a strange twist, Universal was so impressed with the finished effort that the film was shelved. And instead of airing it, the series itself was resurrected and returned to primetime in 1967, where Dragnet ran again until 1970 and contains some of my favorite episodes. Eventually the movie was shown, but not until 1969. The film helped bridge the gap between the old series and the new one. Friday references to his old partner, Frank Smith, but they never explain why he got busted from Lieutenant back to Sergeant. It also explains the tacked on ending where Gannon miraculously recovers and rejoins the force to serve as Friday's new partner for the duration of the second series. And after the series ended, Morgan, of course, went on to M*A*S*H, while Webb continued with his own similar-minded projects like Adam-12 and Emergency. Now, the last program Webb worked on was the little remembered Project: Bluebook, a/k/a Project: UFO, where a couple of Air Force investigators tracked down and debunked UFO sightings. Mention should also be made that Vic Perrin, the villain of our piece, was the voice who took over your TV sets for The Outer Limits.

But my love for this show always come back to Sgt. Joe Friday, who is so anti-hip -- almost an idiot savant, with his disturbing knowledge of rules and regulations that he can regurgitate at a moments notice -- that he is one of America's oddest folk heroes. The rest of us squares wish we were that cool. He was one of the last of the truly good guys. No tortured past. No axe to grind. No psycho-loner who bucks his superiors to do it his way. He is what he is. And I love the guy and cheer when he brings the bad guys to justice the right way. Yassir. Just the facts, ma'am. Just the facts.