We
open near a lonely adobe house on a
secluded hill ... You know,
I once saw an adobe Wal-Mart in Taos, New
Mexico. In fact, every building in Taos
was made out of adobe. But I digress, on
with the film! We spy a sign in the front
yard, proclaiming this adobe abode to be
for sale; closer inspection shows the sign
has a 'sold' snipe attached to it, and
then things take an ominous turn
as we decipher what's also been sloppily painted across it:
a scrawled warning to stay away. Closer
inspection shows the house itself has been
paint-tagged with this warning, too --
several times. And when the realtor
arrives, a frantic Mr. Burns (Howard Weiss) threatens to fire the
house’s absent caretaker for allowing this act
of vandalism.
On the verge of closing
on the property, Burns moves quickly to remove all evidence of the graffiti before
the new owner shows up. A delivery boy arrives
next with a load of food, who informs
Burns they didn’t have some of the more
exotic items -- like the bull’s heart,
liver, or monkey brains -- that the new
homeowner requested. Seems the buyer is a
doctor, who plans on turning the old house
into a clinic and shelter for abandoned and
abused children. He’s also invited his
girlfriend and several of his doctor and
intern friends up for the weekend to whip
the place into shape. Busy cleaning up, Burns
tells him to just put the groceries in the
kitchen and clear out. By the time Jerry (Gary Hays) arrives,
Burns has removed all of the graffiti. He
turns the keys over, leaving Jerry
alone to explore the old house. As the
soundtrack tells us there’s dirty work
afoot already, Jerry enters the kitchen,
where he finds those
groceries left on the counter.
He takes stock
and goes
ballistic because his exotic food order is
incomplete. While he rants, someone
dressed in black, wearing a pair of blue
latex living gloves, sneaks up on him --
and then repeatedly stabs him in the back!
Rolling the body over, the killer starts
to cackle (-- and this will have you
cackling, too, because the killer's evil
laugh sounds just like the chain-smoking
Krusty the Clown from The Simpsons).
This
cackling crescendos as the killer guts
Jerry and deposits his internal organs
into a porcelain basin by the rest of the
groceries. [Making
the mysteriously disappearing grocery
boy Suspect #1.]
And raise your hands if you see
where this is going...
While
brother Scott Baio was making Joannie
Loves Cha-Chi,
and cousin Jimmy Baio was breaking
training with the Bad News Bears to
pitch in the Astrodome, Steven Baio was
teaming up with Dominick Brascia to make a
horror movie. Fans of the Friday
the 13th
series will probably remember Brascia as
the chubby, mentally-challenged Joey, who
liked to Bogart his chocolate bars before
getting chopped to pieces with an axe in Friday
the 13th Part V: A New Beginning --
the one without Jason if memory serves.
And having been
killed off so early in that film, Brascia
must have hung around and picked up a few
tips on how to make a really bad horror
movie.
Brascia and Baio initially met at
an acting class, and, both being from back
East, hit it off. And together, as most
out of work actors are wont to do, they
decided to make their own movie to star
in; a comedy about two guys from Brooklyn
called, wait for it, Two Guys from
Brooklyn, and began hitting up their friends and
family for financing. When those efforts
failed to raise enough money, Brascia hit
upon a familiar, Ed Woodian plan to take that
seed money and invest it in cheap horror
movie for the booming home video market,
and then make their dream project from the
expected profits. Alas, after filming
began there still wasn't enough money to finish the film, but
the Brascia / Baio family came through
with enough completion funds and a little
onset catering to boot. Also of note,
while trying to scrounge completion funds,
Brascia screened what footage he had for a
couple of video distributors, who were so
impressed they ponied up even more
completion funds.
And
so, with the financing firmly set, filming
began in earnest to finish the Evil
Laugh as the novice filmmakers did
their best to hide the fact that they
really didn't know what they were doing.
And this inexperience shows up pretty
badly in just about every aspect of the
film. However, this ineptitude would prove
somewhat fortuitous as we rejoin their
adventure as a drum-machine and Casio-powered
travelogue tune cranks up;
then a Cyndi Lauper wannabe warbles about
being overworked while the credits roll. (Ah,
nothing says the 1980’s like synch pop!)
All the while, three men -- who we
assume are some of Jerry’s guests -- make
their way to the house. When a flat tire
slows them down, Johnny (Steven
Baio) and Mark (Myles
O’Brien) fix it while the
unhelpful Barney (Jerold Pearson)
reads the latest issue of Fangoria
magazine.
(And
is anyone else disturbed by how much
shirtless Mark and Johnny flaunt their
pecs?) Next, we get an inkling at
the quality level of the script when
Barney, chastised for not helping, replies
"Who are you calling a
dip-[expletive deleted], asshole?!?"
As
a general cinematic rule of thumb, if a
script contains this line -- or any
other lines equivalent to -- "Who
are you calling asshole, asshole?"
means, baton the hatches, Boils and
Ghouls, it’s gonna
be a long movie.
Heading
to the side of the road to relieve himself
in the ditch, Johnny, clumsily fighting
off every natural instinct to look where
he’s draining the lizard, urinates on a
biker and his old lady catching some sack
time below. (Hah-hah,
hilarity.)
In deep doo-doo, Johnny rushes back to the
car and Mark floors it, leaving the irate
and soggy biker in the dust ... Also
on the road to the house are Jerry’s
girlfriend, Connie (Kim McKamy),
and Tina (Jody Gibson). When
their jeep stalls out, like any other
mechanical illiterate (-- myself
included), they pop open the hood
and pray that just staring at the engine
will somehow cause it to heal itself. When
that doesn't work, Connie starts poking
around the motor while Tina continues to
try and start it. But it’s a no go until
Tina kicks the dashboard, magically
bringing the engine to life. Hey, it
worked for the Fonz -- and I do believe
Mr. Baio, the co-scriptwriter, is showing
his sycophantic roots. Bringing up the
rear and rounding out the group is the
snobbish Sammy (Tony
Griffin) -- we know he’s a rich
snob because he’s wearing a v-neck
sweater, driving a Mercedes with a built
in phone, and is using it to talk to
his daddy (... and we gather that
daddy has him on a short leash) -- and
his girlfriend, Betty (Kathryn
O’Bryan), who's
upset because they canceled a weekend in
Palm Springs to go and clean some stupid
old house. Once again, Sammy explains how he and Jerry are good friends, and he owes
him a favor; besides, the house has an
enormous pool, and Jerry is a first rate
gourmet cook. And then we get more
back-plot as Sammy tells Betty a secret
about the old house -- a secret he didn't
tell the others in fear it would scare
them away, that, around ten years ago, a
terrible murder took place there. [Plot
Point!]
Meanwhile,
at the house, our first suspect is tied to
a chair. Circling the hapless grocery boy,
we see the killer's face is covered with a
mask as he rummages through a tool box.
Finding what he wants, the killer produces
a power drill with a wide, wood boring bit
locked in place; and then the evil laugh
cackles up again while he drives the drill
bit into the man’s guts. (Thus
eliminating him as a suspect.)
When
Mark, Johnny and Barney arrive at the
house, they find no one home but do here
some kind of gibberish coming from
somewhere (--
gibberish that sounds like a Jawa in heat).
You can almost make it out as a warning,
to get away, and something about children,
when they trace the sound to a closet.
They open the door and *gasp* -- find it
empty. Finding an air vent in the back of
it, Mark thinks maybe some kind of
breeze caused the noise. But Barney thinks
the house is haunted and goes all
paranoid. Then, Mr. Burns pops up out of
nowhere and scares them. (And
where's he been?) The realtor
scoffs at the claim of phantom voices,
saying his cousin heard voices and is now
committed. [Mysterious disappearance and
family history of mental illness? Aha!
Suspect #2.] As he leaves, when the others
ask where Jerry is, Burns claims he
hasn’t seen him since the first arrival;
it’s a big house, the realtor assures,
so he’s bound to be around somewhere.
Outside,
Burns runs into Connie and Tina and
introduces himself and his wife, Sadie (Susan
Grant), who anxiously waits in
their car. Sadie can’t believe he would
even set foot in that evil house, and the
sooner they vacate the premises the
better. Inside,
Johnny tries to calm Barney down, telling
him about the pool and how they can all go
swimming later. When Mark says he has
every intention of getting Tina naked and
in the sack, Barney, aware that their
situation is starting to resemble a horror
movie, hopes Jason Voorhees doesn’t show
up and kill them all and is promptly told
to pinch that kinda talk off. With Jerry absent,
Connie thanks them all for coming. The
others aren’t very receptive when they
realize the unlikable Sammy is coming,
too, but all promise to keep the
peace just as the culprit in question
shows up.
The
first order of business is room assignments,
and so Connie
shows them all to their quarters for the
weekend. Jerry is still a no show but his
car is in the driveway, which is a
consternation to all. Assured that Burns
saw him earlier, Connie calls the realtor
anyway to see if Jerry told him where he
might be going. But the ever surly Burns still insists
it’s a big chunk of real estate and
Jerry is probably just wandering in the woods
nearby. Remarkably unconcerned, Connie
gathers the troops and reiterates Jerry’s plans to convert the house into
a shelter. And with a
little elbow grease, they can get it
whipped into shape in no time. With that, they
start cleaning -- and not just any kind of
cleaning, but an '80s Synch-Pop
power-ballad cleaning!!! Gah!
Inspired by Connie’s pep talk, Mark
cranks up his boom-box, causing men in
short shorts to do disturbing things with
brooms and dusters as a mind-numbing
montage of sweeping and sliding down
banisters follows. And when they’re not
cleaning, they’re dancing with an
abandoned glee. (I
shudder just thinking about it.)
Uninspired, Barney retires to the kitchen,
comments on how fresh the meat is, and
starts cooking while the others merrily
clean. Then,
while cleaning around the fireplace, Mark
finds a cassette tape wrapped in plastic,
kills the music, and pops it into his player. This brings everybody together,
complaining about the lack of tunes. Even
Barney comes from the kitchen, asking
where Jerry went because his car just
roared off. Confused, they all head
outside just as the mystery tape queues up:
a distressed voice screams that all the
children are dead, and to get out of the
house, pronto; but alas, no one is there
to hear these warnings.
Night
falls, and after a hard day of musical
montage cleaning,
the crew relaxes throughout the house.
Johnny heads to the kitchen, looking for Barney,
but he isn't there. We
cut to a bedroom and spy a large knife
cutting through the mattress from
underneath the bed. Quickly, the hand and
knife withdraw before the door opens and
Mark and Tina spill into the bedroom.
Tina, wanting to find out if what they say
about urologists is true, tells Mark to
strip down, promising she'll
take care of the rest. (It's
t'woo! It's t'woo!) When they go for a roll
on the sheets, he
winds up on top, and, as they start
smooching and fondling, unknown to them,
another hand emerges from underneath the
bed, through the hole, and joins in on the
groping by fondling Mark’s butt -- much
to his delight, until Tina says it's not
her doing it. Then who’s touching his butt? (The
killer? I don’t think so.) They
both jump out of bed with a scream,
bringing everyone else busting into the
room to see Barney come out from under the
bed -- cackling away. He apologizes to
Mark, saying he was aiming for Tina.
I’d
call the horror movie nut a suspect, but
he was with the other two while the
first murder took place. So he’s in
the clear, which makes him Red Herring
#1.
When
dinner is served, Barney apologizes; he
isn’t as good a cook as Jerry, but he
did his best with what he had. As they all
compliment him on the liver (--
yes ...
they’re eating Jerry’s liver. Icky,
icky, icky!), between bites, Sammy
announces his father pulled some
strings and got him a prestigious
internship at some high-ranking hospital.
This really upsets Johnny because, due to a lack
of money, he had to drop his dream of
being a doctor and is now a lowly X-Ray
technician. Sammy knows this, and, being a
prick, constantly tweaks Johnny over it;
and as their barbing grows more
belligerent it gets to the point where
Sammy asks Johnny to step outside to
settle it once and for all. But Connie
steps in and makes peace; and the
situation is further diffused when Mark
compliments Barney on the fine potatoes
he's been gorging on --
but they aren't potatoes; they're Rocky
Mountain Oysters. Mark still
doesn’t get it until Betty whispers the
Oysters true origins into his ear, and
then proceeds to spit his last bite back
out.
Hah-hah!
Testicle humor! Wait. Maybe a couple of
them were Jerry's. Bleauuuurrrgh! Icky!
Icky! ICKY!
Suddenly,
their lively meal is interrupted by an abrupt
knock at the door. It’s the Sheriff, and he’s out looking for
the missing grocery boy. Told they
haven’t seen him, and after looking
around for a few silent moments, Sheriff
Cash (Hal
Shafer) cackles a bit before declaring
he never thought he’d set foot in this
sinister house again. With that, after
Cash leaves, Barney really goes paranoid bonkers,
demanding to know why everyone’s being
so cryptic about this place. Telling him to
calm down, Connie promises that after they
finish dinner she'll reveal the sordid
history of the house ... Meanwhile,
outside, Cash radios Fred, his deputy. Now
Freddie (Johnny
Vance) definitely went to the
Barney Fife Academy of Police Training and
is stationed up on the hill with a pair of
binoculars to watch the house. He promises
to keep an eye on those pesky kids, and, if they
start smoking pot, he’ll bust them all.
But Cash tells him to leave them alone
and to just keep and eye out for the
house’s old caretaker -- who they want
to question about something. [Nope... They
want you to think that the caretaker is Suspect
#3 but we're getting too smart for that;
so we'll call him Red Herring #2.]
As Freddie roger-wilco’s that
order he trains his binoculars on the
Sheriff’s patrol car and asks Cash who is in there with him. Alas, Freddie's
report that someone’s in the backseat of
the car comes too late; and when he hears
Cash gurgling over the radio our boy
springs into action! Racing to the car, he
finds Cash, dead, with a slashed throat.
In turn, he's grabbed from behind, spun
around, and is stabbed repeatedly.
Inside,
blissfully unaware of the massacre in the
driveway, Connie has gathered everyone
together to give them the history of the
house. Since Sammy already knows the
story, he and Betty retreat upstairs for a
promised "spanking." (Uh-oh,
I think this is going to start getting
kinky.)
Finding the hot water is out, the
indignant Sammy calls up that no
good real estate agent. At Burn’s house,
he and Sadie are in bed but she refuses
his pitiful advances. And as she claims
her first husband never begged for sex [Plot
point:
Who’s this first husband?], the phone
rings. Answering, when Burns promises to
take care of the hot water in the morning,
Sammy demands action immediately.
Grumbling about firing the as of yet
unseen caretaker, Burns gets dressed. But
before he leaves, Sadie warns him to be
careful because the house is evil.
Back
at the very same "evil" house, Connie
confesses that ten years ago, the house
used to be an orphanage. And when the
owners hired a teenager named Martin to
help out, Martin wound up being so cruel
and nasty to the kids several of them
conspired to accuse him of molesting them.
Martin was arrested on those charges but
was later acquitted at trial. During the
trial, though, his father hung himself in
shame. After the verdict, Martin snapped,
returned to the orphanage and killed all
the kids and then torched the place. And
since his body was never found, it’s
been said that "Mad Martin"
still roams the woods around the house,
killing whoever comes near.
Making
Mad Martin, who may or may not be the
caretaker, or Burns, our Suspect #3.
When
Connie finishes, that’s enough for
Barney, who announces he’s leaving ASAP.
But the others aren’t so sure, allowing Connie
to rally the troops to stay and help
her and Jerry make something good out of
something evil. It works. Everybody
decides to stay -- except Barney, but no
one will give him a ride into town.
And I think they’d all leave if they
knew a cackling, rogue POV-cam was
stalking them right outside the
window!
With
Barney reduced to a nervous wreck, Johnny
offers they're all going swimming
later and invites his nervous pal to come
along to
get his mind off things. But Barney’s
convinced the only way he’ll survive the
night is to get the hell out of there. He
wants to ask Sammy for a ride but Johnny
says to leave them alone because they’re
probably already asleep. But Sammy and
Betty are far from sleeping: they're
playing bondage games upstairs. Already tied to the bed,
when Betty laughs at her beau's S&M outfit, he gags her. He then
brings out a can of whipped cream but
it quickly spurts empty. Cursing his luck, he tells
her not to go anywhere (--
Hah-Hah! Bondage joke!),
'cuz there’s more whipped cream in the
kitchen. On the way he runs into Barney,
who begs for that ride until he notices
Sammy's get-up and grows even more
paranoid, warning him not to have sex or
he'll be killed -- just like in the
movies. As he raves, Sammy believes Barney
has finally lost it -- but the guy is
asking some pretty logical questions:
Where’s Jerry? And the delivery boy?
Convinced they’re both already dead,
Barney warns they’ll all be dead if they
don’t get out of there. But Sammy
brushes him off, saying he’s seen one
too many horror movies, and moves on into
the kitchen, where Johnny and Mark are
making plans for the pool party. Ignoring
their "compliments" on his
outfit, whipped cream in hand, Sammy heads
back to Betty -- where, unknown to him,
the cackling killer has already entered
the room, but, due to the gag, Betty can't
warn him or scream for help.
Back
in the kitchen, Mark tells Johnny he
should go after Connie but his friend is
reluctant. He likes Connie alright, but
she’s Jerry’s girl, right? Well,
maybe. And with a little
prodding and coaching from Mark,
Johnny’s willing to try and woo her
away. Then, Mark says Connie goes
nuts for a man with a good body, who rubs
himself seductively (Uh...
okay...), and convinces his
gullible friend to test this theory at the pool. Meanwhile, Sammy has
returned to Betty, who screams through her
gag, but he can’t make out what she’s
saying until it’s too late; the killer
comes out of the closet and takes a
machete to Sammy, covering Betty in his
gore. (We cut away but I’m going
to assume the killer dispatches Betty,
too.) Several
rooms away (--
and out of earshot?), as Connie and
Tina work in the old nursery, Connie goes
into all kinds of morbid details on how
Mad Martin slit the throats of all the
babies in the ward -- one even had its
tongue cut out. [Again... I think we’re
supposed to consider her a suspect but
it’s impossible that she did it, so
Connie is Red
Herring #3.]
Downstairs,
Barney, armed with a baseball bat (--
ya know, I’m really starting to like
Barney), cautiously answers the
door. It's only Burns, come to fix the hot
water problem, and Barney is relieved when
the realtor agrees to give him a lift back
to town after he’s done. Heading to the
basement, Burns starts tinkering around
with the furnace. (Hey, Einstein?
The hot-water-heater is over there in the
other corner.) Outside,
around the pool, Mark pulls Connie aside
and asks her to check on Johnny. Claiming
his friend has a skin rash, and is too
embarrassed to ask for help (--
that sneaky little matchmaker),
Connie falls for this and agrees to
examine him more closely. In the basement,
Burns appears to have fixed the problem,
when suddenly, the lights mysteriously go
out. After turning on his flashlight,
Burns quickly realizes he’s not alone
down there. From out of the darkness, when
the killer appears and takes off his mask,
Burns recognizes whoever it is, but then
takes a machete in the crotch that skewers
him all the way through and comes out
between his buttocks!
Out
at the pool, Mark encourages Johnny to
make his move and reminds him to stroke
himself. Approaching Connie, rubbing his
chest vigorously, he mistakes her close
examination for a rash as being turned on.
And when she invites him up to her room
because she has something for him (--
some ointment), Johnny mistakes it
as an invitation for some bed activity and
can’t believe his luck. When they head
inside, Barney tells them he’s hitching
a ride with Burns and apologizes to Connie
for his cowardice. (Where’s your
baseball bat son? Didn’t those horror
movies teach you anything? Stay armed!) Outside,
Mark (-- who is turning into an A-1
creep --) finally convinces the
suddenly chaste Tina to jump into the sack
with him again. Eventually, she agrees --
but only if he promises to check under the
bed first. (And the myth of blue
balls is just myth people.)
Back
inside, and heading
into the darkened basement to see what’s
taking Burns so long (--
again, son, where is your bat?),
Barney's quickly back in full panic mode
when all he finds is Burns’ hairpiece.
Suddenly, the killer pops out of the
shadows, runs by him, up the stairs, and
locks Barney in the basement.
I
assume
he didn't kill Barney because he
couldn’t get his machete dislodged
from Burns? Also, you should know by
now, through process of elimination, who
the killer really is. Have you figured
it out yet?
Upstairs,
Johnny gleefully rubs his pecs while
Connie roots around for some ointment.
Signals skewered, when he tries to kiss
her, she quickly pulls away. She's very
upset, but they quickly figure out that
Mark has set them up. Speaking
of Mark ... He and Tina have retired to
the bedroom and are going at it hard until
Tina stops him, saying he forgot to check
under the bed. Mark pitches a fit, but
she’s adamant. So, he makes a big
production out of it but there’s no one
under there. He then pulls the window curtains
back,
and without even looking, proclaims
no one's out there, either. Next, he moves
on to the closet, opens the door and,
without looking again,
is about to say no one’s in there,
either, when the killer comes out and
plants an axe in his head. Thinking it's
Barney playing another morbid trick (
-- and that was some trick with
the axe), she asks the killer if
she's supposed to be scared. And is she
supposed to die next? Fine, she’ll play
the part and mocks in protest while the
killer closes in and grabs her by the
throat. And as Tina continues with the
fake
choking noises, until the killer breaks her
neck, that final look on her face, I
believe, is genuine surprise.
Back
in Connie’s room, she tells the
mortified Johnny it’s OK what he did;
they were both duped. But Johnny is really
embarrassed and beats a hasty retreat.
Heading downstairs and into the kitchen,
Johnny runs right into the killer. He,
too, makes the mistake of thinking it’s
Barney and gets cold-conked with a hammer.
The killer then ties him up and -- get
this -- drags him over to a microwave oven
that's sitting on the floor. Sticking the
victim's head into the machine, over
Johnny's protests, the killer sets it to
cook on High for about ten minutes and
hits start. (With
the door open? Will that even work?)
As his brain slowly cooks, Johnny starts
flashbacking to his childhood until his
head explodes.
Couple
that with the fact that his voice gets
higher and higher as he’s being cooked
alive, and that scene is as goofy as it
sounds and will have you spitting beer
out your nose.
The
only two people left alive -- three
if you include the killer, and you really
should know who it is by now -- hear
Johnny’s head go pop and the microwave
chime. Barney’s still locked in the
basement, but Connie is free to
investigate. And as we get the final
girl’s tour of the carnage, her hysteria
grows as she bounces from room to room
filled with gore -- but no bodies.
Managing to get to the phone, she calls
the Sheriff and tells him to get there
pronto because Mad Martin is back and
running amok. (Waitaminute. Isn’t
the Sheriff dead already?)
Then suddenly, the line goes dead.
Unfazed, Connie opens a drawer and
produces a
.357 Magnum! Checking the chamber, she’s
loaded for bear, and then Connie
cautiously enters the kitchen, finds the
smoking and bloody microwave, but
Johnny’s body is gone. Following the
blood trail to the basement door, she
opens it and peers into the darkness. Where’d
Barney go? (No, he’s not the
killer. We saw him still locked in the
basement while Johnny was being
microwaved.) Pressing on, she gets
to the bottom of the steps, turns the
lights on, but the basement is empty --
except for several large tarps over in the
corner.
Pulling
back the first tarp back, revealing
several bodies, including Jerry, Connie
then hears a familiar cackle behind her.
Turning to face the killer, Connie watches,
frozen, as he closes the gap between them.
[Uhm ... Ma'am? You have a gun in your
hand! It’s a .357 Magnum; the deadliest
handgun ever invented! It could blow the
killer's head clean off! Use it you
ninny!] Snapping out of it, she raises
the gun and puts two slugs into the killer. (Thank
you.) The killer falls to the
floor, but quickly recovers and manages to
knock the gun out of Connie’s hand. (You
dope. I told you to shoot him in the
head.) Pulling
out a knife, the wounded killer backs
Connie into a corner before finally
removing the mask, revealing that the
killer is none other than --
all together now -- Sadie!
Sadie?
The realtor's wife? Really? Sure it’s
Sadie, she’s the only one left. Relax
... let her explain.
Sadie
reveals she was Mad Martin’s mother.
Remember? She said Burns was her second
husband. This also might explain why she
stabbed Burns in the crotch. Anyways ...
She also reveals it was she, not
Martin, who killed all those kids the first
time. Not wanting anyone in the house
where her son was brought to shame, that's
why she had to kill all the others. Now,
as Psycho Sadie closes in for the final
kill -- wait! Who's that climbing out from
underneath the other tarp? It's Barney! (Yeah,
Barney!) Picking up the gun he puts
two more bullets into Sadie, who finally
falls dead. The killer revealed and
vanquished, Connie runs to him and he
consoles her: like in all horror movies,
Barney knew if he pretended to already be
dead, the killer would eventually reveal
themselves to the final victim and then
he’d spring into action. Hearing sirens
approaching fast, the survivors rush
upstairs. After they're gone, we do a slow
pan back to Sadie -- and her eyes pop
open! She lifts her head and starts
cackling again, but it's her last laugh as
she
immediately falls back dead. For good.
And
I’ll say it right now: the movie
should have ended right here. But no,
they had to tack on a really stupid
ending. So take my advice and
stop the DVD / tape right now. No? Fine...
Some
time later, Connie finishes a shower. On
the radio, a couple of DJ's inform that
it's been almost a week since the mass
murder spree at the old orphanage. And as the
Morning Zoo Crew have fun talking about
the grisly nature of the killings,
including how some of the bodies were
eaten, Connie dries off. There's knock at
the door, and when she opens it up,
expecting Barney, she instead comes face
to face with the masked killer! When
Connie screams and retreats back into the
apartment, the killer stalks her all the
way back to the bathroom; but when he
stabs her, nothing happens; the knife is a
fake. Then, the attacker takes off the
mask; it's Barney. He leaves the bathroom,
laughing at his own sick little joke; but
Connie spies some scissors on the counter,
and the look on her face tells us she
definitely isn't joking. Snatching the
scissors, the screen goes black as we hear
Barney scream as he's stabbed to death.
The
End
Shot
and slapped together in just nine days, Evil
Laugh's budget is lacking but the
amateur filmmakers were amazingly up to
the task to cover up that fact. A lot of
carnage is implied but seldom scene. The
deaths were gruesome but not very graphic.
And they saved money on the gore F/X with
some quick editing and turning on
the fake blood fountain to full blast -- often with
hilarious results. And it is funny, but
as the genre was dying out, the deaths
started to get more and more creative to
keep the audiences interested. Each
successive film had to have a bigger and
bloodier body count. Most of these latter
efforts had the standard death by sharp
objects, but held its trump card for the
last victim: a death that was so over the
top that it would be the only thing the
audience would remember. Johnny’s death
by microwave is one heck of a trump card,
and it was the only thing I really
remembered about the movie after I saw it
many a year ago. And that gonzoidal death
is why you’re reading about it here.
The
aligned distributor was also impressed
with their finished product, and, after a
few mandated additions, Evil Laugh
even garnered itself a limited theatrical
release, which was a big deal at the time.
Most films in this genre by 1986 went
straight to video. Even the bigger
franchises, like Nightmare on Elm
Street and Halloween,
and even Friday
the 13th,
were running out of gas and favor with
their respective studios; the end of the
Stalk 'n' Slash was near. And by the time Evil
Laugh
came out, the genre had run its course and
was starting to fall into parody. It
didn’t matter whodunit, but howtheydunit,
how many they dunit to, and, most
importantly, with what unique gardening
implement.
The
script tries hard to throw you off the
trail of the real killer, but it has a bad
habit of killing off suspects as soon as
they’re introduced! There are a lot of
red herrings, but unless this is a
Chandler novel, where the killer is killed
by someone, who is then killed by someone
else etc., then it’s obvious that Sadie
has to be the killer because she’s the
only one we've met who wasn't dead or
accounted for, making the deduction rather
simple.
...Waitasecond?
A slasher movie with multiple slashers
who keep bumping each other off with
only one innocent bystander in the whole
bunch? Someone get my agent on the line!
But
the script doesn’t bog down and chew
itself up like House
of Death did. Brascia and Baio
were smart enough to keep the murder and
mayhem coming by introducing ancillary
characters to keep the audience interested
until the final blood bath starts. This
movie should also put to rest any doubts
some people have on where Kevin Williamson
got all his "original ideas" for
his
Stalk
'n' Slash revival. Again, I like
Scream
a lot, but it’s hardly original; just a
well done homage. Barney’s rants and
being aware of the horror clichés sound
an awful lot like Randy’s speech on the
rules of surviving a horror movie. (And
Tina's death scene is stolen almost verbatim
by Rose McGowan's character.) But no
one listened to Barney, either, and see
what happened? I actually cheered when
Barney crawled out and off'd the killer,
waiting for her to reveal herself, as he
knows she will, beating Sadie at her own
game. But then they had to stick on that
stoopid ending, which, according to
Brascia, was one of those additions the
distributor demanded that didn't make a
whole lot of sense.
One
funny note on the cast: Kim McKamy used a
body double for her nude shower scene. Why
is this a funny note? Well, McKamy adopted
the stage name Ashlyn Gere and went on to
quite a career in the hardcore porn
market. So at some point, she lost her
bashfulness for starring roles in Sorority
Sex Kittens 3,
Aroused
2
and the unforgettable Stripper
Wives.
Also of note, co-star Jody Gibson stepped
up to the fill the void as the new
Hollywood Madam when Heidi Fleiss got
busted.
So,
in the end, Brascia and Baio have a nice
little parody on the Stalk 'n' Slash
genre. But this question remains: Was this
what they had originally intended? Or was this
some kind of divine cinematic accident?
Regardless of the answer, Evil
Laugh
should be tracked down and watched for it
marks a distinct change in the genre. The
fright was out and the laughs were in.
It's the Stalk
'n' Slash’s last hurrah,
but the genre's first -- forgive me --
guffaw.
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