|
B-Fest
or Bust Part II |
|
(Reaching
a New State of
Semi-Unconsciousness...) |
When
we last left our sleep-deprived cretin, he
had regretfully come to the decision that
he'd never be able to stay awake for the
full 24-hours of cheesy goodness and had
chosen the film where he would officially
give it up and chuck it in for a much
needed nap. But!
That's still several films away. So, in
the meantime, let us see what else B-Fest
has in store to hammer and pummel him
with.
|
The
Wizard of Speed & Time
|
|
(Ramming
Speed!)
|
 When
I think of B-Fest, I think of this trippy
little short about a wizard with
supersonic speed, racing across the
countryside, followed by a bizarre
stop-motion musical number of dancing film
cans and cameras that tends to creep you
out and mess with your sleep-deprived
head. To compound this, they immediately
rerun the short -- only in reverse, so the
guy is running backwards making it Time
& Speed of Wizard The.
The
Wizard
is truly a surreal experience. Audience
participation during the fest is
encouraged, but during this particular
short it reaches its zenith. When the film
started, Megalemur, decked out in his
spiffy Wizard outfit, led the charge as
people stormed the stage, laid flat on
their backs and stomped in unison with the
speedy wizard until he tripped on a banana
peel and flew out of control. And I really
laughed when they had trouble with the
projector until Lem stood up and worked
some hoodoo on it, and then the film
magically came to life. Outstanding work,
young man.
It's
approaching midnight now, and I've been up
for 36-straight hours. Wait. Midnight?
Crap. *sigh* Time
for the old Solarnite Shuffle...
|
Plan
Nine from Outer Space |
|
(Bela!
Not Bela! Tor! ...Snuffy?) |
 I've
only been to two B-Fests now, but this one
seemed to be plagued by a lot of false
starts and technical
glitches. Not a complaint, just an
observation; besides, it's fun to wail and
stomp when things go wrong. Case
in point, the crowd cheered when the
lights went down at midnight in
anticipation of the next movie. Then,
hands clutching those paper plates, ready
to let the discs fly, when the first reel
spooled up, we see Conrad Brooks and Paul
Marco running around the grave yard
complaining about spook details ...
Obviously, that was the wrong reel, and
the audience roared until it stopped and
started over at the beginning; the film
never really recovered after that. And
since I swore off Plan 9 a long time ago, I
stuck it out long enough to jettison all
my paper plates, then evacuated, dodging
all the other airborne paper projectiles
simulating the flying hub-caps on screen,
and lit out to the lobby, where I was safe
from the dreaded Solarnite speech.
Stumbling
out of the theater, bleary-eyed and
caffeine punchy, I pulled up a chair to
chat with the B-Board gang,
who had congregated outside. I tried to
form a coherent sentence, failed,
then started strumming my fingers over my
lips. (What
I meant to say was I can't hear the
Solarnite speech again, but all that came
out was something like "blodog
hagfarrrth urrrggh urrk!")
They
all nodded politely ... What exactly is
the next stage of sleep deprivation after
the hallucinations come? I asked Dr.
Snuffleupagus, who was sitting next to me,
but Dr. Snuffy had no answers. Dazed, I
stumbled back into the theater in time to
hear Criswell warn us about future events
being futurely important in the future --
or something. Mike is as punchy as I am.
Paul is off to parts unknown. And as I
shoveled in a hand full of Doritos and
take a long drag off my soda, I can sense
that the wall is close and I'm about to
slam right into it.
|
The
Happy Hooker
|
|
(Isn't
Anybody Gonna Get Naked?)
|
 My
brain was already misfiring and this film
didn't help. I remember watching this
film. I was there. And my eyes were open,
but nothing registered. I sorta remember
Lynn Redgrave as an albino with a funny
accent, and Richard Lynch showing up out
of nowhere. And haven't we seen that
jogging scene already? Oh, I bet those are
cops. This is a sting. Hey! They're
jogging again. Wake up, Mike! You're
missing a great movie!
The
Happy Hooker is one of those films
whose titles promises a lot but fails to
deliver anything and felt like a TV-movie
of the week. Isn't anybody going to get
naked? The answer: a disappointing no.
And the rash of technical difficulties
continued as an entire reel of the movie
was left out, explaining why it felt so
disjointed, but no one really noticed and
no one really cared except for the fact
that the film ended rather abruptly. When
they started to show the omitted reel
after the closing credits, since no one
seemed all that interested, they quickly
stopped it and just ran The Wizard of
Speed and Time again -- both ways, to
appease the audience.
By
2am, the Norris Center was locked up, so
we were essentially trapped there until
the next morning. All around me people
were dropping like flies where they sat.
Others took to the stage and stretched
out. Later, Dr. Freex made the brilliant
observation that the theater was starting
to resemble the harrowing scene of
Confederate wounded lying around the train
yard from Gone With The Wind.
Beyond
that, it's time to shake off The Happy
Hooker and move on. Six films down, eleven
to go. Are there any Oreos left?
|
A
Language All My Own |
|
(Boop-Boop-Be-Doop
Poop.) |
 A
wave of disappointment hits me as this
year's mystery short, A
Language All My Own,
spools up and I see it's only a Betty Boop
cartoon. Nothing against Ms. Boop, it just
means no midget short this year. No midget
Hitler. No Midget of Speed and Time. *sigh*
As
for the cartoon short itself? The
Fleischer brothers were on drugs. It's the
only rational explanation.
|
Flesh
Gordon
|
|
(Finally!
Some Naughty Bits.)
|
 Yes,
you read that title right. And when the
Earth is violated with a sex-ray causing
one massive planet-wide orgy, Dr. Jerkoff
kidnaps Flesh and Dale and they rocket off
in a giant phallic symbol to the planet
Porno to battle Wang, who is rumored to be
Perverted. Along
the way, they must fight their way through
lesbian amazons, gay forest rangers, and
an army of Rape Robots, whose
designs reminded me of the cowboy robots
from Phantom
Empire
-- only with *ahem* strategically placed
drills. Words fail me, folks. Words fail
me ... Can Flesh and Jerkoff use the
power-pasties to stop the sex-ray and save
Dale from the clutches of Wang and the
giant stop-animated Great God Porno? Whose
only vulnerable spot is his ass?
Who am I to ruin it.
Finally,
the naughty portion of our program. If you
haven't figured it out already, this was
Bill Osco's X-rated parody of Flash
Gordon,
where almost everyone’s naked, including
the robots. Despite its adult themes, the
special-effects and production designs are
really quite good. And dare I say, better
than the Flash we saw earlier? When
given a chance, it proves not half as bad
as it’s notorious reputation. Honestly,
porn has no business being this good.
...Okay,
black dots obscuring your vision isn't a
good or a healthy thing, right? My
brain is gone. Mike had already conked
out, Paul was still MIA, and I can't
remember what's next. Using the blue light
on my watch I consulted the program ... Only
one more film to go before Dementia
13.
I can stay awake for one more film.
Yeah,
but with Doug McClure in the lead it ain't
going to be easy.
|
Warlords
of Atlantissszzzzz... |
|
(ZZZzzzzZZZz...ZZZzzzZZZZz...) |
 As
the film started, I realized, to my
mistake and delayed joy, that I in fact had
seen Warlords of Atlantis before,
having confused it with War Gods of the
Deep, so I wouldn't fight off sleep
any longer if it came to take me.
We
open with McClure and company testing a
new diving bell, and I spot Felix from the
old Bond films, and John Ratzenberger as
members of the crew. Once submerged, the
diving bell is attacked by a giant sea
serpent until they manage to electrocute it. Up
above, a mutiny is interrupted by a giant
octopus attack that drags everybody
underwater to the undersea kingdom of
Atlantis. But the Atlanteans aren't real
happy to see them, so they're all thrown
in the dungeon. There they sat until the
castle is attacked by a couple of giant
horned-frogs. And as the critters scaled the
castle, the prison walls came a
tumbling down aandddzzzZZzZZz...
ZZZzzzzZZzzzZzz...*snort*...zzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzZZzzZZzzz...
ZZZZZzzzzzZzz...zzzZZZzz...ZZZZzzzZ...*snorkle*...zzzzzZZZzz...
ZZZZZzzzzzZzz...zzzZZZzz...ZZZZzzzZ......zzzzzZZZzz.............
ZZZZzzzzzz....gah!
Huh!
wha! -- huuzaat! FOOTBALL PRACTICE! Ow!
My foot. Who's stepping on my foot?
Apparently,
the
gal in the corner needed to get out of the
row and I was the last obstacle blocking
her path. After letting her out, I stared
at the screen, where McClure is shooting
at a giant whatsawhosit but I can't keep
anything in focus. Those black dots are
now congregating into larger globs, who
congregate into even bigger blobs, and
somehow, a hornet has lodged itself deep
in my nasal passages, who apparently isn't
all that happy about being stuck up in
there, and this phantasm's buzzing is
causing those blobs to lose their cohesion
only to slowly reform again. Before trying
to dig the thing
out, I spied a nice piece of empty real
estate at the bottom of the steps leading
out of the theater that's begging me to
come and occupy it. Grabbing my pillow and
blanket, I scrunched up next to the wall and
shut my eyes ... Somewhere, McClure is
shouting, the monster is roaring, and more
shots are fired as I pulled the blanket
over my head, trying desperately to
convince my buzzing brain to shut back
off.
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