B-Fest
Ho -- Whoa! What?!? |
(Whattayamean
we're only HALF done.) |
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Around
Hour 12, the Nerd Funk starts to
solidify. |
There's
a certain moment during B-Fest -- around
five or six in the morning -- after you've
survived whatever they've thrown at you so
far, and it feels like you've been in that
theater, like, forever, already, when you
realize you're only half-way home
... Or we still
gotta half to go, depending on how you
look at these things. I guess where you
fall over that particular fence kinda
depends on whether you've got a film
lurking in the wings like, I don't know,
say, starring a well-known action-hero
flexing his dormant comedic muscles, who
is teamed up with an actress who could double as a human
floatation device that tries to teach him
how to sing. We should be fine, though. I
mean: What are the odds? And then I picked
up the schedule to see what's next...
Aw,
crap.
Rhinestone |
(Alas,
a gilded turd is still a turd.) |
And
that sound you just heard was George
Bernard Shaw's grave detonating when this
Golan and Globus take on his play, Pygmalion
-- probably more familiar to a lot of you in
its musical version, My
Fair Lady,
cued up. Yeah, well, this is another musical
version, just a lot less ... well, melodical.
Here, Dolly Parton gets to play Henry
Higgin's to Sly "it's been awhile
since Rocky" Stallone's Eliza
Doolittle. The twist is Dolly has to turn
this New York City boy into a country and
western star or be forever indentured to
some lowlife promoter. Hell, doesn't sound
to hard. I mean, Cletus T. Judd's got a
career. How hard could it really be? But
then we hear Stallone sing "Tutti
Fruiti"
(--
at least I think it was, but it was kinda
hard to tell),
and all hope should have been lost right
there. However, Dolly's a gamer and takes
him to the country to countrify him; and
after plenty of fish-out-of-water and poop
jokes, she slaps our boy in a sequined
jumpsuit and gives him a microphone ...
God help us all.
Aside
from a certain shameful affinity for the Porky's
franchise, I must admit that Bob Clark's
reputation as a filmmaker is a bit
over-inflated. A
Christmas Story
owes more to a fine cast and a script
penned by someone else than it's
direction. And who'd a thunk that maybe
his early horror films owed more to Alan
Ormsby than anything else. Repeat: ALAN.
ORMSBY! The proof, as they say, is in the
pudding. Just look at the man's track
record without them over on the IMDB.
Go ahead, I'll wait.
Yeah.
See what I mean? Now git the rope.
The
Nerd
Funk-O-Meter
Says: |
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I
think Little Richard and Jerry Lee
Lewis' graves just detonated, too.
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And
those guys ain't even dead yet. |
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Cobra
Woman |
(In
Glorious Mono-Color.) |
When
some square-jawed stiff's fiancé gets
kidnapped and hauled off to a south-seas
island, he and his little buddy, Sabu --
and his littler buddy, a scene-stealing
monkey, are soon hot on the trail.
Treachery abounds as we find out the fiancé,
Tollea, is native royalty; but the island
is currently under the throes of her evil
twin sister, Naja -- who sacrifices
villagers to the Cobra god to appease Mt.
Lydecker; a volcano that's about to erupt.
(Either
that or they've elected a new pope.)
Can our hero, who swaps plenty o' spit
with both sisters, deduce what the heck's
going on before Naja tries to dance again?
I
sure as heck hope so. Yeesh.
The
name Siodmak may be familiar to a lot of
you old school horror buffs. The same name
scripted The Wolfman, The
Magnetic Monster and Creature with
the Atom Brain. Classics all, but that
was Curt Siodmak. His brother, Robert,
directed Cobra Woman, and one has
to wonder if maybe the gene pool kinda
dried up if you know what I mean. Now,
that's not really fair. Robert actually
has quite the reputation
directing film noir, and The
Phantom Lady
and The
Killers
gives him plenty of street cred. So, one
has to ask: What the hell happened here?
Easy -- Maria Montez. The Caribbean
Cyclone can't sing, can't dance, can't
act. A triple threat. But, bless her,
she's more than willing to try. And try
she does as we get a double dose of her as
she gets to play both the heroine and the
villainess, which was two too much for
this particular viewer to handle.
And
a quick apology to the poor gal who
tripped over Santo and myself in the dark
and landed our laps. Sorry, we were
sitting in the aisle, clogging traffic,
stupefied by the alluring dance/hull-gully
of the Cobra or something. All Animal
House
inspired jokes aside, hope you're okay.
The
Nerd
Funk-O-Meter
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All
in all, lame, escapist fare. Stress
on the lame.
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Mystery
Shorts #7 & #8 |
(People
Soup and Fossils are Interesting.) |
I
cringe and whimper as the next shorts
spool up, unsure of how nerve-shattering this round
would be. Lo
and behold, People
Soup spools up nice and serene, with
two brothers, alone, in the family
kitchen, concocting and kit-bashing
together different brews of whatever seems
available in the fridge and cupboards. And
then they dare each other to drink the
potions, which, in turn, turns them into
different fluffy critters. And then it
ends as peacefully as it begins.
Well,
that was nice ... People Soup was
conceived and directed by Alan Arkin. I
did not know this at the time, but that
was me, upon recognizing one of the kids,
screeching "That's Adam
Arkin" at the top of my lungs.
Punchy and sleep deprived, I kept
screeching this mantra, like a
crack-addicted howler monkey, and then
kept babbling to anyone who'd listen that
I had no doubt the children's parents were
somewhere in that house, lying in a pool
of their own blood.
As
for the next short? Man, who doesn't like
dinosaurs? Well, Fossils
are Interesting
does a bang-up job of proving that, no,
they aren't. Boring and tedious, and a far
cry from interesting, really. Dem'
bones, dem' bones, dem' dry bones...
And
it was at this point, when the walls of the
theater started melting down like the
polar ice caps, and the floor and seats
started to undulate and rise in a torrent
that threatens to drown me like a tidal
surge ... OKAY! That's it. I really need to
get out of this theater for a breather.
Who's hungry?
The
Nerd
Funk-O-Meter
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They're
all dead, I tell you. DEEEEEAAAAAD!
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Superbabies:
Baby Geniuses II |
(Where
what little is left of Bob Clark's
rep goes up in smoke.) |
What's
this one about? Sorry, couldn't tell ya.
Talking babies are just creepy, and anyone
over the age of ten who wrings any kind of
enjoyment out of watching this kinda stuff
is even creepier if you ask me. This is
one for the kids or the raincoat crowd;
know what I mean? So, when the opening
credits for this movie started, I bailed
out of the fog of theater and into the
light of the lobby, stomach rumbling for
something a little more substantial than
beef jerky and Little Debbie's snack
cakes.
Alone,
I wander down to the cafeteria and buy a
couple of pieces of cardboard with cheese
and meat on them, and take a table with a
nice scenic view of Lake Michigan and
defused for awhile ... Upon my return to
the theater, things have turned right
ugly. In example, when Jon Voight talks to
his sock puppet, Marlowe said something I
couldn't quite make out -- but Mike did,
and soon an empty pop bottle whizzed past
my nose, aimed at Marlowe's head. Then
Sean launched a self-described "One
man Bay of Pigs" assault on the
screen armed only with his shoe, only to
be thwarted by a discarded paper plate,
which caused him to slip and fall into a
heap. Ever helpful, Medic Skip does his
best to drag the wounded solider back to
his own lines.
I
will not be drug into this madness, and do
my best to ignore the proceedings on
screen, concentrating, instead, on a
steady stream of paper that Tim keeps
handing me, converting the sheets into
paper airplanes for a planned skit for the
last film on the docket -- that can't get
here soon enough. Alas, I ran out of paper
too soon, and I am forced to watch the
climax that consists of baby super-heroes
kung-fu fighting. And as the audience is
pushed well past its breaking point,
begging the movie to "END!" I
punctuate that request with a more and
more desperate "PLEASE!" between
each incantation.
The
Nerd
Funk-O-Meter
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TILT! |
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End!
PLEASE! End! PLEASE!. End! PLEASE!
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King
Kong (1933) |
(When
the Monkey Die...) |
And
B-Fest comes full circle for its captive
audience, still gasping, shell-shocked,
and maybe even in a little state of denial
over that last feature. But then comes the
final reward: a true classic to wipe away
the memory of all that came before. A
synopsis of this film would be kinda of
irrelevant, but for those of you who don't
know: Boy meets girl. Boy and girl go to
an island to make a movie. Boy loses girl
to big monkey. Boy gets girl back and
takes big monkey home. Big monkey breaks
loose. Boy loses girl again. Big monkey
gets shot off a building. Boy gets girl
back. T'was beauty killed the beast (--
well, that, and an eighty story fall.)
The
BMMB
came well prepared for this film, lock,
stock and paper airplanes; even I got in
on the act, playing part of the brute
squad that hauled out our own Ann Darrow
to be be sacrificed to the big monkey. And
a big thanks goes to whoever brought the
gorilla costume. But the biggest thanks of
all has to go to Mike, who volunteered to
wear the thing. Regardless of the fact
that he was the only who'd fit, Mike was a
true sport, wrestling Ray's rubber chicken
(--
and I understand he hurt himself during
this stunt), putting on a musical
number, being pelted by paper airplanes,
before finally croaking in true Looney
Tunes fashion. That's my boy!
Wait!
Mike, that's not in the script!
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The
Nerd
Funk-O-Meter
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T'was
Beauty Killed the Nerd Funk-O-Meter.
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Is
this the End of our Hero? |
Is
this the End of B-Fest? |
(Yup,
and E'yup.) |
First
off, a shout of thanks to A&O Films
for putting up with us all for another year.
And an apology is probably in order, too,
for all the bitching done about this
year's line-up. Malice was never intended,
but probably inferred, so I'd like to at
least say I'm sorry for that. You guys
manage to pull off a minor miracle every
year, and you should be commended for it.
And
with that said, I've also come to this
conclusion: the films are secondary. This
is a social gathering with my people, who
are afflicted with the same defective gene
that I have. And I truly love all of you;
those mentioned here, and those who were
not (Kodos,
Raven, and the Junior BMMB brigade, Gaz
and Darwin, and everyone else I've
overlooked.) Also, big thanks to
Mike and Matt. Gentlemen, a blast as
always. (Mike, just be a little
more careful when exiting Iowa City. I and
my squashed cheeseburgers thank you.)
Every
year I leave a sizeable chunk of myself
behind in that theater when B-Fest comes
to a close. This year, I left the biggest
chunk of all. I managed to stay up for the
whole thing again, but I'm getting way too
old for this crap. I was broken by a film
about talking babies for Ro-Man's sake. I
have tasted my own mettle, and found it
weak. I am tired, humbled, and in
desperate need of a shower, a change of
clothes, and some real food. And
every year at this point I say, That's it.
I've had my fun. I'm done. Let somebody
else have the ticket. But as I pack up my
junk and help clean up the theater, I'm
already getting the itch. An itch I can't
scratch for 365 days.
So
mark it down. I'll be there.
See
you all at B-Fest 2007.
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