Two of the really neglected genres on this website are the 1980's action movie and their first cousin, the T&A flick. (Tits and Ass for those of you not familiar with the vernacular.) So to rectify that situation in one fell swoop, I decided to tackle a guy whose mere name can make even the toughest gonzoidal movie critic wince ... I'm talking about a man whose oeuvre made him the undisputed King of T&E flicks (-- that'd be Tits and Explosions, a slight twist on the common vernacular --) ... A man whose penchant for escalating numbers of naked boob shots, and casts littered with former Playboy Playmates, made him a premium cable channel legend. That's right. I'm talking about the one, and only, Andy Sidaris.

To me, nobody represented the 1980's action movie esthetic better than Sidaris, and the film we're gonna take a look at is the absolute zenith of his output, Malibu Express -- the first of the Cody Abilene, or Triple-B, trilogy, and whose dubious reputation was cemented for all time with the record number appearance of 72 bare breasts -- both counted and confirmed by yours truly. Man, the things I do for you people...

We open on a typist, sporting some long and glossy red press-on nails, typing the opening credits into a Commodore-64. And as our anticipation grows when the readout promises us not only four former Playboy Playmates, but 1984’s Miss Overdrive, we keep an eye on the clock-counter to see how quick it is before our first nude scene. As we anxiously wait, the movie proper begins in parking lot, where we focus on a DeLorean, screeching to a halt, and then out steps Cody Abilene, private detective, good old boy, and apparently god’s gift to women (-- former child star Darby Hinton, who grew into a poor man's Chuck Norris). Entering a firing range, our boy produces a huge .44 magnum, and after the instructor sets up the target and puts it in motion, Abilene takes aim, fires, and proceeds to hit everything but the target. But our boy just shrugs, puts the gun away, and leaves. (Establishing that Abilene is a horrible shot. And boy, do I smell some high hilarity as a result of this later on in the show...)

Cut to a racetrack, where Abilene watches a souped-up I-Roc roaring around the track. When it pull into the pits, out pops the driver, June Knockers (Lynda Wiesmeier), and as we boggle at that name and take in her voluptuous curves, you get the sense that with the way all the women we've met so far go all doe-eyed at the mere sight of him, Abilene probably has more than a few notches on his gun-belt (-- if you know what I mean.) Following her into the locker room, as Ms. Knockers slithers out of her racing suit, revealing nothing underneath it (-- and a quick glance at the running time shows 2-minutes and 36-seconds in), Abilene announces that her *ahem* rack, like her driving, are just dynamite. And after another trip around the track (*rim-shot*), Abilene heads home -- home being the Marina and his boat, The Malibu Express. There, he’s greeted by Doug Wilton (Robert Darnell) and the rest of his neighbors, who want Abilene and his eyesore of a boat out of their harbor. But the PI points out that his daddy established this Marina, making them permanent residents, and to take up their beef with him. Well, they would, except the elder Abilene entered a regatta with an all girl crew and has been lost at sea for five days. But the son isn't worried, and guarantees his father isn’t lost. (Har-har.) On board The Express, our boy finds two more girls, Faye and Kay, who just parked their boat next to his and want to borrow his shower. Sure. Why not. It's been at least three minutes since we had some nakedness, and as the soundtrack warbles "I’m in Love with the Girl in the Playboy Magazine" we get an extended ogle at the two girls in the shower. (Let’s see that’s six boobies in five minutes.)

We then shift-scenes over to Wilton, secreted in a super-secret spy room filled with lots of monitors. Enter, stage-left, Countess Luciana ('80's action queen, Sybil Danning), his top operative, whose upset that he interrupted her vacation for this latest assignment. Seems those pesky Russians are quickly closing the computer technology gap because someone has been selling them stolen hi-tech secrets; and this trail of espionage leads to the mansion home of Lady Lillian Chamberlain (Niki Dantre), a familiar acquaintance of Luciana. Since they know each other somehow (-- sorry, I missed it. I was, well, distracted by something else. It's Sybil Danning! How can you not look at them! --) Wilton feels that another, independent party should be brought in to help investigate Lillian and her brood, and he has the perfect candidate in mind. And you won't even need three guesses to figure out who his pigeon will be, but first, Abilene must get Luciana's approval by passing her spy-litmus test: One, is he cute, and two, is he good in the sack? After Wilton arranges a meeting, we get a Moog-synthesizer powered evening of dinner and dancing, which inevitably leads back to Luciana's bedroom, where she wears Abilene out -- but not before he passes her test (-- barely).

The following morning, Abilene has the first of three bizarre encounters with the Buffington clan. Seems the Buffingtons and the Abilenes have had a running feud since Abilene’s dad beat old man Buffington in a stock car race some thirty years ago, which means that at any given time, the Buffingtons, P.L. (Abe Dickson), Doreen (Busty O'Shea), and their idiot inbred son, Bobo (Randy Rudy), roar up out of nowhere and challenge Abilene to a race. Despite the genetic hand dealt him, Bobo appears to be a mechanical genius because his car blows the DeLorean’s doors off. But as the hillbillies celebrate their victory, the nitrous-oxide he used to win the race blows up his car, allowing Abilene to slip away to stately Chamberlain Manor, where Luciana has arranged for him to stay for awhile. Greeted by Shane, the butler/chauffeur (Bret Baxter Clark -- who sharp eyes with long memories will recognize as Nick the Dick from Bachelor Party), whose seedy and surly attitude trips off our bad guy alarm as he introduces Abilene to the wheelchair bound Lillian, who thinks her new guest is there to spy on her philandering family of miscreants, currently gathered around the dining room table.

First we have the youngest daughter, Liza (Lorraine Michaels), a hottie who is involved with the head of fledgling computer company, and who also is sleeping with Shane. Next, is eldest daughter Anita (Shelley Morgan), and her husband, Stuart (Mike Andrews). Anita is a bitter alcoholic, who also also is sleeping with Shane, and Stuart, meanwhile, likes to sneak out of the house at night, dressed in drag, to hit the gay bars. He, too, is sleeping with Shane. (...Wow.) After pulling up a chair, the first thing our detective detects is Anita's foot stroking his leg under the table. And later that night, when Shane starts making his bedroom rounds, while an inebriated Anita writhes around on the floor, waiting for him, the butler assaults Liza in the shower, and pretty much confirms our suspicions about him. Also of note, Shane is an ex-con who has incriminating videos and photos of all his romantic interludes with the entire Chamberlain clan. Why? Well, we don’t know -- yet.

As morning dawns, Abilene agrees to takes Liza to Palm Springs to meet Jonathan Harper (Les Steinmetz), the seedy computer guy. When they arrive at his warehouse, Harper is leery of Abilene but still asks Liza if she has the money owed to him. As she hands over the huge wad of bills, Abilene, aware of the computer espionage, thinks the whole thing smells fishy and tells Liza they should leave. But she refuses, saying she has more business to discuss with Harper. Harper, in turn, tells his goon squad, Matthew (Art Metrano), and the Steroid Twins, Mark and Luke (Richard Brose and John Brown -- I’m going to assume that these two are the former Mr. Universe and Arizona in the credits), to escort Abilene off the premises post haste. As ordered, they run Abilene off the road (-- who I have to point out WAS leaving ALREADY until you just STOPPED him --), pull him out of the car, and beat the crap out of him. To punctuate this beat down, Matthew whips out a machinegun and obliterates Abilene’s car. (Now that’s how to get him quickly out of there: destroy his car. Genius!)

After limping down the highway for a spell, Abilene eventually finds his way to a junkyard, whose female owner obviously doesn’t get many visitors because she’s already stripping before he’s even in earshot. (Making me believe that Abilene has the strange mutant power to create a chemical reaction in women that fires up their libido and causes them to strip.) Exchanging his *ahem* services for a loaner car, our boy returns to the Chamberlain mansion, where he overhears a heated conversation between Shane and his bookie; it seems the butler is 30-grand in the hole and needs the money, PDQ, or he’ll soon be DOA. Going after Anita first, he uses his "hi-tech" equipment (-- think again, Bub, that’s a Betamax. The poor deluded fool. --) to show her the video of their sexual encounters. But this blackmail backfires when it only pisses Anita off, who hopes the gamblers kill him. Shane tries again with Stuart as he drives him to The Screaming Cockatoo, a frequent hangout of the drag queen. Of course, Stuart could care less about the photos of Shane screwing his wife, and when Shane tries the photos of the two men together, he strikes out again. (Man, Shane isn’t very good at this.)

Sometime later, Lillian throws a party and everyone’s invited; Luciana is there with Abilene; Harper is there with Liza, trying to talk Lillian into investing in his computer company; and Shane runs into his bookie (-- who also runs the catering service used at the party). With his time running out, Shane knows he needs the money by tomorrow or he’s a dead man. Needing to turn up the heat on the Chamberlains, he returns to his quarters and starts to gather up all of his blackmail material, unaware that someone else has snuck into the room behind him until said person repeatedly stabs him. (One can't help but notice that the masked attacker has some dangerous curves, but I remind everyone that this doesn’t rule out Stuart -- who I'm ashamed to say is the best looking "woman" in the film.) As the assailant gathers up all the photos and videotapes, Shane manages to take one last picture before he's finished off with a well placed gunshot.

The next morning, while Luciana sunbathes by the pool, and tells a swimming Abilene how great he was in the sack last night, they finally spot Shane’s body, who managed to crawl out of his bungalow before expiring. And since Luciana is supposed to catch a plane for Europe, Abilene, knowing she couldn't have done it because they spent the night together screwing, tells her to clear out to avoid any hassles with the cops. Hearing some noises inside the victim's bungalow, our investigator finds Anita, rummaging through all the drawers, obviously looking for something, but won't reveal what she's searching for. Kicking her out and securing the crime scene, Abilene continues the search and proceeds to smear the blood spatter, leave his fingerprints all over, and picks up and scatters all the evidence (-- some detective), including Shane’s camera, and confiscates the last roll of film. His next step is to gather the entire Chamberlain clan together, whom he orders to clam up and let him deal with the cops. And deal with them he does by calling his personal phone-service, who does porn on the side, and who then connects him with homicide detectives Aldridge (John Alderman) and Macfee (Lori Sutton). When they arrive, Aldridge presents Lillian with an envelope that was sent to him that morning. Inside are all of Shane’s photos, and Lillian vents her disgust with her progeny as Shane’s body is hauled off. After the prelim is done, Aldridge warns everyone not to leave town.

Turns out Macfee is an old acquaintance of Abilene’s (-- wink-wink, nudge-nudge --), who accompanies him to the boathouse -- a/k/a Shane's love-pad -- to look for clues and compare notes. Macfee believes Stuart is their prime suspect, but as far as Abilene’s concerned, everyone had a motive and opportunity to kill Shane. Meanwhile, the Chamberlain’s other servant (-- wait for it), maid Marion (Robyn Hilton) (Aaaaarrrrrgghhh!), is spying on the Chamberlains for Harper. When she reports that Abilene and Macfee are headed to the boathouse, Harper sends two more goons, Peter and Thomas, to kill them and retrieve the film Abilene took. (How do they know he has the film? Search me? Wait a second. Peter and Thomas? Matthew, Mark and Luke? I assume the rest of the apostles are somewhere else?) After a cursory search of the boathouse, Abilene and Macfee renew their relationship and do the dippity-do. In the aftermath, Abilene finds the remote that controls the hidden cameras aimed at the bed and starts piecing it all together on what Shane was up to. But they barley have time to shower up before spotting Harper's armed goons headed their way.

Kicking in the door, the bad guys find the bedroom empty but hear the shower running. Following the noise, they pull back the shower curtain and come face to face with Abilene’s Magnum. But even though his targets are only a foot and half away, the idiot still misses. (Har-har.) Luckily, Macfee draws her piece and blows one of the bad guys away, and as the other goon bolts, Abilene, true to form, keeps blasting away and hits everything but the bad guy. So once again, Macfee saves his hash and ends the chase -- permanently. (No "Stop or I’ll shoot" or "Halt, police." Just *bang*bang*.) After things calm down, the two realize that the only person who knew where they were headed was Lady Lillian. (And when they told her this I haven’t a clue.)

That night, Abilene returns to his boat and finds his two naked neighbors inside, waiting for him, but he’s being followed by Matthew and the Steroid Twins and doesn't have time to play. And while Luke stands watch on the dock, Mark searches top-side and Matthew searches below deck. Inside the cabin, Abilene draws his gun (-- like that’ll do any good --) and tells the girls to hit the floor as Matthew breaks in, opens fire, and misses (-- uh oh, must be contagious). As the bad guys return fire, our boy manages to at least blow the attacker's ear off (-- hey, he’s getting closer --), who quickly retreats. And while Abilene chases him outside, Mark finds the ladies and demands the film. Since they don’t know what he’s talking about, he does a quick search and then withdraws empty handed. Meanwhile, Abilene has lost the other two, meaning all the bad guys got away. (Well, except for Matthews ear.) Once the girls fill him in on what they wanted, Abilene calls Macfee and tells her about the evidence he removed from the crime scene, and also tells her about the connection between Shane’s murder and Harper’s computer firm. Wanting to get the film developed, Abilene plans to meet Macfee at the racetrack, where a photographer friend has a darkroom. Once there, they watch Ms. Knockers drive a few laps while the film is developed. Once it's out of the soup, most of the pictures are of Shane having sex -- except for the last picture, which reveals the killer. And once the photo is enlarged, they both recognize who the killer is (-- of course they don't let us see it.)

Gathering up the evidence, and once they reach the parking lot, a shot rings out and Macfee takes one in the shoulder. Moving to protect her, Abilene draws his gun and faces off with the earless wonder and the Steroid Twins. Leading them away from Macfee, Abilene heads for the pits just as June brings her I-Roc in for a pit-stop and commandeers the car. June jumps in with him, and as they roar off, Harper's goons commandeer a helicopter and give chase. In the car, things get more complicated when June gets turned on by the speed and starts stripping, wanting to, um ... wax Abilene’s stick shift. As our boy tries to convince her that someone is trying to kill them, she doesn’t believe it until they start getting shot at. In the chopper, Matthew orders the pilot to fly on ahead a ways, so they can set up and ambush. Once they're dumped off, earless Matthew produces a grenade and pulls the pin just as the I-Roc comes into view. But Abilene is going too fast, and can’t avoid him, and bounces Matthew off the bumper, who flies into the ditch, still clutching the grenade, which explodes in a cloud of flying body parts. But Matthew provided a big enough speed-bump, causing the I-Roc to wreck and roll. Abilene and June manage to bail out but the Steroid Twins chase them into the desert. Taking refuge behind a large rock, Abilene tells June he only has one bullet left. Mark comes into view first, but before he can draw a bead on them, June flashes her knockers, distracting him long enough for Abilene to actually fire and hit him. He then takes up Mark’s gun and blasts Luke. (Omigod, I believe he’s finally got it.) Making their way back to the highway, June uses her "headlights" again to stop a Winnebago. After the elderly driver happily gives them a lift to town, Abilene checks in to see if Macfee’s all right. She is, and he informs the detective that he's finally figured it all out and to bring the cavalry to Harper’s office...

...Where at this very moment, a wild nudie-party is going on (-- which pushes the running total of boob shots to a whopping 72). When Abilene and the police raid the place, Harper was showing Liza a videotape of Shane and her sister doing the nasty. But the show's over when Abilene tells Aldridge to arrest Liza for the murder of Shane, and produces the photo that clearly shows the girl under the nylon-stocking.

Gathering all of the players onto his boat, including Wilton, the cops, and the entire Chamberlain clan (-- even Liza) for the denouement, seems something about the case just didn't sit right with our hero when he noticed that in the incriminating photo Liza held the gun in her right hand. Everybody knows that Liza is left-handed, right? Whatever. Anyway, somebody is trying to frame the girl. And since she didn't do it, and since Anita couldn't have done it, being way too drunk after the party, and Lillian couldn't have done it, stuck in her wheelchair, and even Stuart couldn't have done it because he was too tall and the entry angle of the bullet wounds suggested someone shorter. (Makes sense. Man, he’s good. Wait a minute. Where the hell is this going?) That means the killer could only have been Luciana. With Wilton’s blessing, Abilene reveals that the Countess is really a secret-agent, who eliminated Shane because he was working for Harper, who in turn was selling computer secrets to the Russians. But didn’t she and Abilene spend that night together? Well, after their first sexual encounter, Luciana knew that Abilene always needed a glass of water after sex and drugged him, allowing her to sneak off and kill Shane. Once he figured it all out, the detective searched her house and found a taped confession and a Liza mask. Saying she did what she did for for God and Country, Lillian commends Abilene on his skills and offers that her next assignment is in Hawaii, where she'll be waiting for him since they made such a great team. And they'll all have to take Abilene's word on this because the mask and tape self-destructed once played.

The production team of Andy and Arlene Sidaris took a strange course into the world of exploitation filmmaking. Andy was an Emmy Award winning director for ABC sports, including the Game of the Century between Nebraska and Oklahoma back in 1970, which my Huskers won. Arlene, meanwhile, was a TV producer and writer for The Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries. Andy’s first feature for his Malibu Bay Films (-- based in Hawaii, where they live --) was Stacey, and you started to see the formula for of all his films that followed. The star was a former Playboy Playmate, Anne Randall, playing a sexy PI, who breaks up a religious cult. Sidaris then further refined the formula with his second feature, Seven (-- that my Bad Movie Planet partner Greywizard has a review for over at The Unknown Movies.) And all the films that followed would have a hunky leading man (-- usually an ex-soap opera star), who would lead a team of buxom babes (-- usually Playboy Playmates) against the bad guys, tacking on the sex, nudity, and bigger explosions to spice things up.

Arlene officially joined the team by producing and script-doctoring Malibu Express. (I’m sorry, DOCTOR Arlene, but I believe you lost this particular patient.) This was the first of the Abilene Trilogy, followed by Hard Ticket to Hawaii and Picasso Trigger. They both starred Abilene’s cousins, Rowdy and Travis, and if memory serves they couldn't hit anything with a gun either. However, in these installments, the Abilenes become secondary characters to the buxom female leads. Sidaris’ films usually averaged at least four Playboy Playmates apiece. In fact, Playboy put up half the financing for Malibu Express, but after the 52nd boob shot, it starts to become a little tedious and borders on overkill. Somehow, the man manages to make nudity monotonous.

Did I just say there is such a thing as too many boob shots? Aauugh! Curse you, Andy Sidaris!

Still, Malibu Express, I feel, is Sidaris' best work in that it's the easiest to get through and won't cause any serious brain damage. Hinton is a likeable dope, and for the most part, the other actors don't embarrass themselves all that badly. And from the DeLorean, to Abilene's really big gun, and all the references to Dallas, Magnum PI and The Dukes of Hazard, the film couldn't be more grounded in the 1980's if it tried. As a director, Sidaris is competent enough and all of his films appear to have high production values and look really good. However, his scripts stink. No ... they suck. They suck ass. The plots are muddled (-- see the last five minutes of this film), full of plot holes, and bad attempts at humor. And to make matters worse, he's saddled with actresses with large breasts who can’t act, and beefy guys with more beef between their ears than in their pecs that can’t act, either. The thing is, it's all his fault since he's the top banana for all his productions. 

That combination of bad acting, plot, and gratuitous nudity usually leads to a modicum of hilarity if you have a high pain threshold for such things. With this guy it ain’t easy, though, and one Sidaris movie a year is about all I can stand -- no matter how many bare boobies he shows me.