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Okey-dokey,
then, I think we'll start this review with
a slight disclaimer:
The
film we are about to encounter is a
cartoon -- a cartoon that carries an
X-Rating. E'yup, we're about to enter
the world of vintage Toon Porn, so fair
warning, the review and language to
follow will definitely venture into
non-Comic Code approved territory. With
that, check your morals at the door,
I'll promise to keep my pants on if
you'll keep on yours, and now, let us
proceed...
We
open in a courtroom about 100-Sultry Leagues
south of the Mason Dixon line, where a
judge promptly brings the proceedings to
order with the bang of his gavel. Calling
for the first witness for the defense in The
People vs. Mother Goose, the witness
in question is none other than Mother
Goose herself. (Hal
Smith, in drag, most notable for playing
Otis the drunk in The
Andy Griffith Show,
but also provided the voice for the Owl in
the Winnie
the Pooh
cartoons and Gyro Gearloose in Ducktales
for Disney.)
Actually, Mother Goose is the defendant in
this trial, having been brought up on
several obscenity charges for "Murdering
our children's most moralistic teachings."
Her defense is that she was only telling
the truth, the whole truth, and nothing
but the truth -- in that all those
characters in Make-Believe Land really
only have one thing on the brain:
fornication. And to prove this, she'll
testify to what really happened in those
old fairy tales, beginning with the story of Jack and the Beanstalk...
...This
new account alters way, way off course
from the standard version we all know to
show how much of pervert stuttering Jack
really was. (And even though he's
not listed in the credits, I'm fairly
certain that's Frank Welker voicing Jack.)
Seriously, this guy would screw a brush
pile if he thought there was a rabbit in
it, and to prove this we get to watch him
masturbate into knothole of a tree while
spying on his pet frog teasing a young
milk maid below. (Think French
Tickler via amphibious forked tongue.)
But a squirrel kinda ruins the mood by
taking a bite (OW!) out of the invader --
seems the knothole was the varmint's home
-- and the girl chases the peeping Tom
off.
Unsatisfied,
young Jack turns his attention to the
family cow and starts suckling off the
teats while jacking off. After catching
him in the act, his mother forces him to
take the cow into town to sell off before
her idiot offspring goes blind ... Along the
way, Jack is accosted by a Pimpey, the
long lost 8th dwarf, who gets off by exposing
himself to unwary travelers. He tries to
trade some porn for the cow, but Jack
won't sell it to him. But he does agree to
trade it to a gypsy girl with large
hooters for some magic beans and a little
[censored]-sucky. Mom, of course, is a
little upset by the trade and chucks the
beans outside. Later, while he sleeps,
Jack has a wet-dream about the gypsy girl,
and after his volcanic ejaculation dowses
the beans, a giant, phallic beanstalk
erupts out of the grown and races toward
the clouds.
Hiking
to the top, Jack finds an enormous castle
and is drawn inside by the strange siren
call that makes all the animals, furniture,
and food inside the place hot to trot -- in
a biblical sense. Finding the source
to be a magic harp in the shape of a
naked, busty nymph, Jack immediately
starts to molest it until a giantess
lumbers on scene. Dumbstruck by the
giant's monolithic mammeries, Jack flings
himself onto her chest and starts
suckling. Not wanting him to have all the
fun, the giantess then uses Jack as a ...
well, pleasuring device. (Oh.
My. God.)
They keep at it until her husband comes
home and announces he's hornier than a
warthog in heat. Jack's only refuge from
being ground into powder for bread is the
giant cavern of the ladies' vagina, where
he safely hides until the husband, whose
had a bad day on the golf course, decides
to put "His 8-iron into her sand
trap." Words fail me as Jack
rides the battering ram until it blows,
and then washes out in the refuse. Luckily
for him, the giant is none to bright and
mistakes him for a newborn son. (And
that sound you just heard was my notepad
being chucked into the air.)
And
they all lived happily ever after...
...Back
in the courtroom, everyone from the court
stenographer to the jury is visibly
aroused by this raunchy tale. And that
includes the judge, who overrules the
prosecutors vehement objections to these
steamy stories. (Were we listening
to the same thing?)
Wanting to hear more, the judge orders
Mother Goose to continue. And after a few
false starts, she continues with the true
tale of Cinderella...
...Which
begins with an ugly old hag named Morta
visiting the Wicked Witch of Wang. Needing
to find herself a husband, and more
importantly, an easy source of income for
herself and her two similarly visaged
daughters, Morta sets her sights on the
widower, Fortunato. After the witch gives
her a love potion that tricks him into
thinking she's a beautiful maiden -- so
beautiful he marries her on the spot, unfortunately,
when the spell wears off, Fortunato is so
aghast at his new wife's looks he takes
the money and runs, leaving his daughter,
Cinderella, behind to fend for herself.
This, of course, brings on the wicked
step-mother act and poor Cinderella must
wait on on her and her incestuous
step-sisters 24-7. (Ugh.)
Meanwhile,
the Prince of the land is in desperate
need of a Princess, so a Grande Ball is
announced and all the local maidens are to
attend this cattle call, with possible
nuptials to follow. Cinderella wants to
go, but Morta won't let her and orders
that she get to work on dresses for her
own daughters. Later, after the others
leave, Cinderella tries to piece together
the leftover scraps into something
presentable, determined to make it to the
Ball and meet the Prince. Suddenly, in a
flash of light, her fairy god-mother
appears. But the daffy old bat's spells
constantly misfire, and Cinderella is
turned into a pumpkin. Undaunted, she keeps trying,
misfiring, transmogrifying, and things
just go from bad to worse.
At
the ball, the Prince is having anything
but. The proceedings then come to a
screeching halt when a giant, floating
cake enters the ballroom and settles to
the ground. Then, popping out of the top,
Cinderella emerges, clad in a thong bikini
made from the scraps. The Prince is
smitten, Cinderella loses the bikini;
there's rainbows, starbursts and an Alan
Parsons Project inspired lightshow and
musical number while these two try to do
the horizontal bop. But when the clock
strikes twelve, however, Cinderella
disappears before they can consummate the
deed. Leaving no tell-tale glass slipper
behind, the Prince still feels he can
recognize this beautiful virgin and sets
out to find her. Alas, he can't -- he
can't even find a virgin in all the
kingdom until he finally stumbles upon
Morta's house. And as she tries to pawn of her
daughters (-- who come to think of
it, are basically clones of Carol
Burnett's mop-n-bucket character --)
to the Prince, he spies Cinderella and his
search is over. Taking her into the
garden, he gives her the, well -- Royal
Seal of Approval.
And
they all lived happily ever ... WHOA! Hold
the phone. Turns out the Prince was a
philandering deadbeat, the kingdom soon
goes to pot, and Cinderella is saddled
with about dozen offspring, an STD, thanks
to Prince Chuckle-head, and then the
bitchy in-laws move in!
Well
that kinda sucks...
...Back
in the courtroom, Mother Goose testifies
that most of her fairy tales ended in
disaster like that, and that the other,
more happy endings are nothing but
glorified bull-twaddle. And as the gallery
continues to swelter and slather, the
judge, with a lecherous eye on the chesty
stenographer, orders the defendant to
continue. When she does, the old crackpot
seems to get several stories jumbled
together while talking about Jack Sprat's
affair with Mary Quite Contrary. Backing
up, Mother Goose takes another run at it
-- but still seems a might addled because
her next tale seems to combine elements
from Little Red Riding Hood and The
Three Billy Goats Gruff...
...We
find Red in a bed as she awakens and
realizes she's late for a wedding. With
the help of several woodland creatures,
Red dresses quickly and sets out on the
path to the church. Along the way, she
runs into several men who demand a toll
before she can pass. Without any money,
the ogling men gladly take it out in
trade. This happens several times, and
with each sexual encounter, Red loses more
and more of her inhabitations -- and
clothing, so that by the time she reaches
her last obstacle before the church, she's
plumb starkers. That last obstacle in
question is a bridge and the dreaded troll
who lives underneath it. Thinking she has
to pay another toll to pass, Red is
surprised when it turns out the troll is a
flaming homosexual. His payment demands
are either some Billy Goat's Muff or
having her round-up one of those studly
woodsmen she's already encountered.
Terminally late already, Red doesn't have
the time, but luckily, the Troll's old
boyfriend shows up. And as the old lovers
happily reunite, Red scampers across the
bridge and into the church.
Naked
as a j-bird, Red interrupts the ceremony.
And upon seeing her beauty, the groom
quickly sprouts a painful woody. Of
course, the naive Red sees this and
misunderstands. Thinking she needs to pay
admission to enter the church, Red asks to
kiss the groom, kneels, and proceeds to
give the hardened man a [censored]. As the
Friar consoles the bride with much wine,
pretty soon they're going at it, too. And
then the whole congregation joins in and a
massive orgy ensues...
...We
cut cut back to the courtroom where a
similar scene has also erupted. Slowly
shaking her head at this, Mother Goose
admits her guilt, saying this is why she
hardly ever tells what really happened in
Make-Believe Land. Case dismissed.
And
They
All
Lived
Happily
Hornily
Ever
After...
Animator
Don Jurwich broke into the business during
Warner Brother's last, futile gasps to
keep the Looney Tunes going in the
mid-1960's, writing a couple of Road
Runner and Daffy Duck vs. Speedy
Gonzalez shorts. He then jumped over
to United Artists and churned out a couple
Pink Panther theatrical pieces and
worked on the syndicated Pink
Panther
and Tom
and Jerry
TV shows. Next, he jumped ship again and
landed at Hanna-Barbera, where he had a
hand in the Super
Friends
and the ruination of Scooby-Doo
with
the introduction of Scrappy. Jurwich also
ram-rodded the adaptation of Frank
Marshall's Happy
Days
into the time-traveling oddity The
Fonz and the Happy Days Gang,
and later, in the 1980's, oversaw the
half-hour long G.I.
Joe
toy commercials for Hasbro.
At
some point, in the mid-1970's, Jurwich
crossed paths with producer William B.
Siberkleit. Siberkleit was no stranger to
the exploitation business with films like The
Centerfold Girls,
Linda
Lovelace for President
and Detroit
9000,
and needing a new film for tax-shelter
purposes, he conspired with Jurwich to
cash in on the latest craze of adapting
fairy tales into raunchy, hard-core porn
and Once
Upon a Girl...
was born.
According
to legend, the film was cobbled together
by several moonlighting animators from
Disney studios. The resulting animation is
crude and the storyline even cruder,
filled with lewd jokes that teeter
somewhere between raunchy and lame.
Honestly, I think they were trying for
camp, but on this they misfired, or were
shooting blanks, so they hedged their bet
with lots and lots of naked cartoons
humping each other -- all to a skanky,
synthesized soundtrack by Marty Slavin,
who also scored The
Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio.
Of course, being animated, anything goes
and, believe me, everything went! And
according to Siberkleit, most of the
animators working on the film were female
and they were the ones who came up with
the raunchier scenes -- some so raunchy
they had to be left out.
Long
ago relegated to bootlegs, Severin Films
has finally released an Uncut,
Uncensored and Incredibly Unsuitable for
Children version of Once
Upon a Girl...
on DVD. And if you want, you can
click on over to their website and see
a preview that's available online.
I'm
not the biggest fan of porn, soft or hard,
and unless it's bat-crap insane along the
lines of Bill Osco's Flesh
Gordon
and Alice
in Wonderland
it seldom holds my interest for very long.
This vintage piece of Toon Porn definitely
fits into that bat-crap insane category,
and coming in at a brief 71-minutes, Once
Upon a Girl...
doesn't overstay its welcome. Don't get me
wrong, all 71-minutes are totally
gratuitous but just when you think it
might trip and fall into a pit of tedium,
it peels off another layer of perversion
that drops our collective jaws just a
little bit further, and so we continue to
watch, unbelieving, wondering what in the
heck is gonna happen next.
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