__  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __

Our three movie tour of poking around the marshes and wetlands of Boggy Creek finally concludes with a big heap of noxious swamp gas better known as Return to Boggy Creek. It also marks the return of guest reviewer extraordinaire, Naked Bill Rinehart. Here, Naked Bill was kind enough to look at the third installment -- well, technically the second installment -- of a kinder, gentler bayou bigfoot, which means I don't have to. Thanks buddy, I owes ya big. He's a braver man than I, but then again, he appears to have a thing for Dana Plato that defies any logical explanation. (The pervert.) Read on...

__  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __  __

About three years ago, our editor, (-- that would be me! --) asked me to review and write about the third installment of the Boggy Creek trilogy, Return to Boggy Creek, or BC3, as it is known to its legion of fans. I watched it, took some notes, watched it again, took more notes, and promptly put it off. About a month later, someone asked if I was going to write about it, and I replied, "There are contract difficulties preventing the publication." Having bought a little more time, I watched the film again.

With ominous music, the camera pans the deep, dark swamp. For you who know the first two movies, you know you’re going to get the scare of a lifetime. That first scare comes promptly in the form of a jump cut so dramatic, it appears that the videotape broke and some handy clerk Scotch-taped it back together again. (I swear, my copy of the tape was like that when I got it!)

Three children are getting out of a pirogue and running ashore to show two old men the fish they caught. The kids are Evie Jo (Dana Plato), John Paul (David Sobiesk) and T-Fish (Marcus Claudel). The old men are Grandpa (John Hofeus) and Uncle Bo (Jim Wilson).

From off screen, Mom yells at the kids to wash up for dinner, and they run off. Uncle Bo tells Grandpa he worries about the kids being out in the swamp by themselves, but Grandpa says not to worry, Evie Jo knows the swamp and can fish better than most men. But Uncle Bo isn’t placated. He asks, "What about Big Bay Tie?" (Big Bae Ty? Big Bow Tie?) Grandpa suggests that Big Bay Tie doesn’t hang around in the bottoms any more. Still, Uncle Bo isn’t convinced. But Grandpa is insistent: Big Bay Tie took his boy, Johnny, and left the area after all. And here we finally meet Mom, Jolene, (Dawn Wells, in an extreme close up). She shushes the pair, discounting the existence of the creature, and warning them not to talk about a "monster" in front of the kids.

The family loads up the catch of the day into the back of the pickup truck, and we’re treated to, (and I hate myself for noticing), Evie Jo’s cute little tushie. (I’m a baaaaaaad man.) The kids are in the back of the truck, and the adults in the front, and we get the first inkling of the relationship between Grandpa and Uncle Bo as they bicker over Grandpa’s driving. (They’re not flaming, but I do detect some flickering. Not that that’s wrong!)

Jolene chides them and turns on the radio. The KRVC announcer mentions a coming hurricane, and the scene, quite adeptly, fades to a family picnicking on the bayou. A boy and his dog run to the creek, as the father snaps some pictures from a bridge over the clearly marked "Boggy Creek." The dog starts barking, and the boy yells to his dad that there’s a bear in the woods. Off in the distance, we see a humanoid figure splashing through the swamp, (apparently pissed off having to wade through the water).

With another dramatic jump cut, (and I won’t tell you what it is, so as not to ruin the surprise) we’re at the fish market. (Oh, okay. It’s a close up of a fish.) Market day at Happy Landing is a joyous time, with colorful characters communicating in colloquial comments, kids running around in new Mean Joe Green t-shirts, and a booth selling that delightful treat, loved by young and old alike, "gar". (Mmmm, gar. And yes, I know, it’s a fish.) It’s such a beautiful day, even the Brawny paper towel guy is there!

Evie Jo and T-Fish stop at a candied apple stand, and we learn that T-Fish was sick the previous day. (I know Evie Jo says his "sniffles" are gone, but I could have sworn she said "nipples". Maybe that’s just my sick mind at work again.) And this is probably as good an opportunity as any, to figure out the Landry family tree:

Crawfish Charlie begat T-Fish. (Where’s Mrs. Crawfish Charlie? We never learn.)

Uncle Bo? We’re still not sure how he fits in, other than he and Grandpa appear to be joined at the hip. (Remember, this is before the groundbreaking book "Evie Jo Has Two Grandpa’s.")

Just because T-Fish doesn’t speak, doesn’t mean he doesn’t communicate. Evie Jo seems to know what he’s thinking. (Is she psychic? Does he have super-hearing? Will this play into the rest of the story?)

The kids have a running competition with Bruno, (Richard Cusimano), over who can catch the most fish. And today, like most, Bruno finds himself at the short end of the stick. He promises one day, he’ll catch more fish without the use of a secret formula. Who can blame the guy? He’s out-fished by children. And while that may not seem like much, let’s remember: his livelihood depends on it. Who can blame him for being upset? The café owner comes out and has to have Evie Jo’s catch. (Heh heh heh.) He’ll pay top dollar for Evie Jo’s catch. (Am I the only one who finds this funny, in a dirty sort of way? I need help. Moving right along…)

The photographer from the woods and his family pull up at a gas station. The man, Harry Perkins, (John Fiero), tells the gas station attendant what they saw in the woods, and soon a crowd has gathered. Everyone’s talking about the Boggy Creek monster.

And word travels fast at the market, as Grandpa and Uncle Bo saunter in. Introductions are made. Perkins is a photographer from Little Rock, (ya know, I thought he had an air of sophistication about him), and Grandpa is a man who "Big Bay Tie took my boy, Johnny." Uncle Bo is really Beauregard Guidry. They just call him Uncle Bo. (There goes the theory that Bo and Grandpa are brothers. Hmmmmmm.) Perkins asks about the monster, and Grandpa describes it as being "strong as a team of mules, fast as the wind." (But he doesn’t really say what Big Bay Tie is. Always the hallmark of a good monster movie.) Perkins wants pictures, and hires Bruno to take him out into the swamp. Bruno’s not afraid of the impending hurricane, and plans to shoot the monster, when he gets the opportunity.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Uncle Bo is making Catfish Kool-Aid with the children. It’s the secret recipe they use on the bait to catch the biggest and best catfish. (This product is not endorsed by the Kraft Foods Company, maker of many fine beverages, including Kool-Aid.) Grandpa and Uncle Bo bicker some more, and the kids are left to prepare for their next journey into the swamp. Evie Jo is bothered by the fact that Bruno is always talking about killing things. (Yeah, but fishing’s okay, because you’re really not killing anything. Uh-huh.)

The kids get into their pirogue and they paddle. And they paddle. And they paddle. Then they paddle some more. (All of this is to the haunting "Love Theme from Boggy Creek." I timed this musical interlude. Though it feels like it lasts about an hour, it’s only 3 minutes or so.) Apparently, Evie Jo and John Paul, (obviously named for the French philosopher, Sartre), are hiding bottles of the Kool-Aid in the swamp. (Why? Because that’s what kids do. Especially when they’re left on their own, unencumbered by responsibilities, like school.) As they discover, someone’s been stealing their hidden bottles. Though they suspect Bruno at first, John Paul finds a mysterious footprint near a hiding place.

T-Fish, meanwhile, is skipping through the woods by hisself, and comes face-to-crotch with the monster. (The monster, by the way, does NOT have a seam up his back, like some cinematic creatures I’ve seen. Heck, he doesn’t even have a butt. Does a Sasquatch poop in the woods? Not this one, apparently.)

T-Fish gives his best (silent) McCauley Caulkin impression and runs back to the Landry kids. They beat cheeks back to their boat, and using deductive reasoning, the kids figure out that the monster may not be all that bad. So, they head back home, and decide to follow Bruno and Mr. Perkins on their expedition the next day.

Before going to bed, Evie Jo asks Jolene, (Oh yeah. That’s right. Dawn Wells is in this movie.), what Daddy was like. (Dawn actually gets the chance to act, and does a fair job with it too.)

The next morning, Uncle Bo and Grandpa are back at it. (Bitching at each other, I mean.) Crawfish Charlie comes by to pick up Jolene for work, and drops off T-Fish with the admonition to obey orders from Evie Jo. The kids are warned to stay close to home, because the hurricane is coming, but with some creative interpretation, they rationalize their shadowing of Bruno and Mr. Perkins.

As the kids are out on the water, the storm starts picking up. Jolene and Charlie return home to find Uncle Bo, (who is reminding me more and more of Robert Preston in Victor/Victoria), in a tizzy: Grandpa fell and hit his head, and the kids are no-where to be found.

The weather starts getting rough. The tiny ship is tossed. (Okay, one Gilligan’s Island joke in Dawn Wells movie. You knew it was coming.) The weather special effects blot out all trace of action on the screen, so, we rely on Evie Jo’s play by play. (I found that by watching the storm sequences in fast forward, you can actually see what’s going on better than at regular speed.)

Evie Jo spots a shipwreck, and they climb in to escape the storm. Unfortunately for them, it’s the lair of the monster. He, (it?), stands outside, and roars at the kids to get out of his swinging, bachelor pad. They, quite naturally, aren’t about to leave, because the monster and the storm are outside.

The monster cuts the Gordian Knot, and pulls another boat towards where the kids are hiding. This one has a cover on it, and inside are the still-stunned Bruno and Perkins. The kids jump in and cover themselves, and the monster starts pulling. (And what the hell is Evie Jo doing with alcohol in her Nancy Drew Detective kit???!?!)

Back at Happy Landing, the sheriff is organizing a search party to hunt for the kids. (Never mind Bruno and that Little Rock photographer.) Uncle Bo is telling some kids a watered-down, Cajun version of Hansel and Gretel. And Dawn Wells has taken my earlier compliment on her acting a little too seriously.

The next day, Grandpa and Uncle Bo are still trying to build a new dock, and still grousing at each other. (Really! What do they see in each other?) Bruno and Mr. Perkins, both bandaged from their injuries, sail up to the Landry place. As a way of saying "thanks for saving our miserable lives", Bruno says the kids can come look at his hound dog, which just had pups, and Mr. Perkins says there’s $20 worth of credit at the market for the kids, (Just for the kids.)

It’s hard to hate this movie. It’s made for 12-year-olds, and it does a pretty good job of entertaining on that level. (I should know, being stuck at a maturity level just above that, myself.)

The scares are appropriate for that age group as well. This was the movie your mom dropped your off at on a Saturday matinee so she could have some peace and quiet.