Curse of the Cannibal
Confederates
(a.k.a. The Curse of the Screaming
Dead & Curse of the Confederate Cannibals)
(1982)
Director: Tony
Malanowski
Cast: Steve Sandkuhler, Christopher Gummer, Judy Dixon
Dr. Freex, of The
Bad Movie Report, seems to think that Forever Evil,
a backyard movie he personally worked on, is the kind of movie that's
to
be immediately disowned. I haven't seen the movie (though I plan to
watch
it...someday), though I somehow have the idea it can't be all
that
bad. In fact, after watching Curse of the Cannibal Confederates,
I am positive it must have some merit - for no other backyard
production
could possibly be as badly planned and executed as this movie. For a
change,
I
will
write a prescription for a doctor: Dr. Freex, watch Curse of the
Cannibal Confederates, and you'll immediately feel better about
Forever
Evil. (Warning: Side effects include boredom, strained
eyes,
slack-jaws, fits of frustration, and involuntary groans.)
How bad is this movie? It's so bad, that Troma (which
now owns the movie)
freely admits it's one of the five worst movies in its library. Right
from
the first shot is one explanation for this opinion; quite simply, Curse
of the Cannibal Confederates is absolutely rock bottom in its
technical
skills. The entire movie looks like an 8 mm porno loop that was made in
the early 70s, then sat on a shelf for over twenty years. Troma is
usually
good at remastering movies, so you have to wonder if there was nothing
they could do here. Sometimes when the characters are talking onscreen,
the audio is so bad that you can't make out what they are saying. The
quality
of the audio also noticeably changes when there is a cut from one
character
to another. When a character is talking off screen, there is usually a
buzzing sound in the background of their dialogue, which immediately
stops
when they stop talking. The colors are almost completely washed out,
and
some shots have visible hair and crud stuck on the lens. Every shot
looks
dark - sometimes so dark, you can't make out what's happening onscreen,
including the opening credits sequence where it vaguely looks like
zombies
are rising from their graves.
That footage is actually taken from later in the movie -
Troma redid
the opening credits (using cheesy video graphics) for this video
edition.
The explanation for this might be because the original closing credits
- which still remain - are at times unreadable. I did manage to make
out
in the cast listing the sentence, "A wonderful cast is worth
remembering."
If that's true, it would explain why I can't remember (or wasn't
bothered
to find out) who was who in the cast. All I remember are the names of
some
of the characters. There's the character of "Sarah", who always acts
like
she is looking at cue cards off screen, and likes to point awkwardly at
stuff off screen ("Thoze sure ahr stranggge fireworks!") Another woman
is thoughtfully named "Blind Kiyomi" in the opening credits, since her
attempts at acting blind are so poor, it would have taken us a long
time
otherwise to figure out she was blind. "Mel" looks and acts like a
shaggy
Bruce Campbell wannabe with his grinning and his attitude, though
doesn't
even come across as a third rate impersonator.
These three characters, plus another woman and two other
hairy welfare
bum-like men (whose names I didn't catch) find themselves officially on
a deer hunt in the countryside, but are really stuck in a retread of Night
Of The Living Dead. Though you wouldn't think so for more than
half of the movie. Most of this time is devoted to them complain and
bitch
to each other, so maybe we should thank Troma for that new opening
showing
the zombies, so we know we are supposed to be watching a horror movie.
While waiting for this footage to be repeated, as well as any other
zombie
mayhem, you can pass the time by noting things like the movie's
uninspired
direction. For example, in the long opening conversation between the
three
men in the front of the camper, every shot is either a head-on shot of
whoever is speaking, or a head-on shot of all three.
There's also some poor editing, when we are taken to the
back of the
camper where the three women are. Then after several minutes of the
characters
engaged in boring chat and wandering around the barren woods, we are
treated
to more wandering around, though with only with one of the
characters,
as he investigates the source of bell noises Ms. Blind Kiyomi hears.
This
is accomplished by repeated cuts to footage from a jiggily hand held
camera
as the character wanders around, around, and around...finds a
graveyard....mulls
the graves....wanders around, around, and around....finds an abandoned
church...wanders inside around, around...
Much later in the movie, the Confederate zombies
pop out of their
graves, dressed in surprisingly clean clothing that ranges from plaid
shirts
to coats with army stripes painted on the sleeves. The zombies
themselves
are also surprisingly well preserved, looking like wet faces covered
with
flour, and their mouths showing teeth, saliva, and gums still showing a
health color of pink. Making the sound of an upset stomach, they pounce
on them, seemingly only wanting to wrestle. Fortunately (for the jerks,
not us), the six happened to bring explosive bullets with them to this
deer hunt, which leads to a number of incidents when they shoot the
zombies
in the head, and the heads of the zombies explode into pieces of paper
mache. (Curiously, when they are shot elsewhere in their zombified
bodies,
there are no explosions.) As the mayhem plays to music sounding like
the
theme from The Avengers, for a long time it seems that not only
will this be a plotless movie, but a bloodless one as well. Finally,
near
the very end, we get some munching of intestines, which is bloody and
convincing
enough, I suppose. Though I think it would have played out better had
they
not stopped things (the little there are) to a dead halt to show the
zombies
munching and slurping for several long minutes.
Aside from the little merit in the gut-crunching, I am
hard pressed
to think of anything else notable about Curse of the Cannibal
Confederates.
It is truly the absolute pits in almost every aspect that you find in
films.
And don't get me wrong - this isn't the kind of awfulness that's funny
- it's so bad as to be almost unwatchable. So bad, that even Troma
should
blush for believing it warranted a re-release.
UPDATE: Michael Hoffman revealed the following
to me:
"Believe it or not, Curse of the Cannibal
Confederates is
actually a sequel/remake of a barely seen horror film titled Night
of
Horror. This is a must see and is actually worse! I
rented
it in a local video store and had to later purchase it! I have a
copy, if you are interested...but, if not...you still must find
one!!! Talk
about an unknown movie! This is the worst film ever
made!!!!!!!!!!"
From this, I did some research, and found that this 1981
movie (the
IMDB incorrectly lists it as being a 1987 movie) shares the same
director
and at least two of the same actors! It also does indeed share a
Confederate
theme. So both movies must have been made back to back. Do I want a
copy?
NO
THANKS!!!!!!!!
UPDATE 2: David Jenkins sent this along:
"Just a couple of words on Curse Of The Screaming
Dead. I have a copy of the old video print, and while it ain't no
great shakes, it isn't as bad contrast as the Troma print. The night
scenes are easy to watch, and the end credits (such as they are!!) are
sharper. While the sound is not that terrific, the dialogue is easy to
understand! I think the problems you had were related to the Troma
print!!
"As for Night Of Horror, all I can say is
that you are wise for your generation!! Whatever you may feel about C.O.S.D.,
Night is ten times worse!!!!! I ran across an LP copy about 6-7 years
ago and threw it out after the first viewing!!!!! As far as I can
remember, the film dealt with a bunch of people traveling through a
civil war battlefield. They then decide to stay at an inn. During the
night, the hero is transported to the field (dressed in a uniform!)
during the actual battle. (The Civil War battle footage actually looks
better than the rest of the film, as if it had been shot for a
different film. There were at least several hundred people in those
scenes!!!)
"After the battle, his is transported back to his
friends and awakes. He tells them what happened and they all have a big
laugh!!!!! The end!!!
"Well, at least I saved you from ever being tempted
to see it. What little I was able to find about the director is that he
came from the same area as Don Dohler. Also that he made a series of
films that somehow worked the civil war into them!!! (Sorry no addition
titles were ever located!!) That's it for now. Keep up the good
work!!!!!!!!!"
Check for availability on Amazon (VHS)
Check for availability on Amazon (DVD)
See also: Brainwaves, Hex, Manson
|