Stuckey's Last Stand
(1980)
Director: Lawrence G.
Goldfarb
Cast: Whit Reichert, Tom Murray, Rich Cosentino
We have all had favorite televisions shows while growing
up. But I didn't just have favorite television shows when I was growing
up - I had favorite television stations as well. My second favorite
television station as a youngster was ITV, which came out of Edmonton
(which is in Alberta, Canada, for those of you who don't know.) It was
my second favorite television station because of the crop of movies
they would show late night. They would show obscure Canadian
tax-shelter movies that were real movies, not the so-called
movies funded by Telefilm. But even better were the kung fu films they
would broadcast, kung fu movies not available at local video stores
such as The Tattoo Connection and Street Gangs
Of Hong Kong. But the television station that was my absolute
favorite while growing up was KIRO, a CBS affiliate that came out of
Seattle, Washington. It was an absolute dream for someone who was a fan
of obscure movies that nobody had heard of. The CBS Late
Night Movie program would show movies made in the last few years,
yet even I hadn't heard of - movies like the family movie A
Billion For Boris or the teen comedy Snowballing.
And when The CBS Late Night Movie wasn't on, the local
programming heads of KIRO would broadcast older and even more obscure
movies, such as Didn't You Hear,
Double Nickels, and Memories In My Mind.
It was a crushing blow to me when, while still in my youth, both
stations suddenly stopped broadcasting these obscure movies around the
same time. Today, I may have more access to television stations, but it
still isn't the same.
For a variety of reasons, I hated going to school when I
was growing up. So you are probably thinking that when it was vacation
time, I was in heaven. Well, when it was Christmas vacation, I did
indeed have a happy time. And during summer vacation, when my family
would go on a trip out of town for ten days or so, I was in a blissful
situation. But the rest of summer vacation, I was in a torturous
situation. You see, at the start of summer vacation, my mother would
enrol myself and my siblings into day camp. I hated day camp.
There was the subtle insult from my mother by this decision of hers -
she was essentially saying, "We don't want you around the house." Plus,
no matter where it was located, I would loathe what I had to face.
There were sports at day camp, and I hated (and still hate to
this day) sports - probably because I have never been good at any
sports. There were arts and crafts at day camp, and I hated day camp
arts and crafts - although I have always had an artistic edge, the arts
and crafts at day camp were very low budget and did not fulfill my
artistic ambitions. I could go on for some time about the reasons why I
hated day camp. Anyway, during each summer I was forced to attend it, I
tried to make the best of the situation. I would go fishing in the
nearby creek with a fishing rod that I found abandoned. I would also
wander off into the nearby woods and pretend I was an explorer. My
exploring paid off; one day I came across some abandoned pornographic
magazines in the woods, and I shared them with the other kids fed up
with day camp.
I imagine that by this point, many of you readers are
confused as to where all this writing is heading towards. What, you may
be asking, do favorite television stations and day camp have in common?
Well, I'll answer that right now. Both of those topics are related to
the movie being reviewed here, Stuckey's Last Stand. Stuckey's
Last Stand was one of the many obscure and unknown movies that I saw on KIRO as a youngster. And
the events that happen in Stuckey's Last Stand all
revolve around a summer day camp. I never thought I would ever see the
movie again, or relive those summer days again with memories of
weather-stained pornography. When I saw it for sale at a used video
store recently, I was hit with a wave of nostalgia - nostalgia for
those days of unknown movies and when I was a youth. I didn't remember
too much about it, so it seemed perfect for more than one reason to
immediately grab it and write about it for my web site. The events of
the movie center around the character of Whit Reichert (played by an
actor named... Whit Reichert). At the beginning of the movie, he is
seeing a psychiatrist because of his fears that he is an incompetent
person. All this is an excuse to flash back to his experience as a day
camp counsellor the previous summer. In his flashbacks, we meet Russ
Stuckey (Ray Anzalone), the head counsellor of the day camp, and the
other counsellors, among them a tough guy type named Duke (Cosentino),
a cool dude (Will Shaw), one of the only two minorities in the movie
(Ellis Rice), and dumb ox Pete (Murray), who may be even more
incompetent than Whit. Plus, there are assorted kids, so various
wackiness with all these types crammed together is sure to happen....
right?
If you were to ask a group of film critics what their
definition of a "family film" is, they would probably answer that it is
a movie that will entertain adults as well as kids. I would probably
add that the movie does not necessarily have to entertain both groups
on the same level. With that definition in mind, can Stuckey's
Last Stand be considered a "family film"? After seeing it, I
have to say no - and not for the reasons you may be thinking of. One
reason I can't consider it a family movie is that I can't see it
entertaining adults. Let me give you some examples of the lame,
so-called "humor" this movie has to offer. There's one scene when Pete
talks to one of the other counsellors, talking about the dog he had in
his childhood that kept getting him lost, and how his mother then
banned him from hiking. Pete sighs and adds, "I can still see those big
brown eyes looking at me under those shaggy eyebrows. Always running
around the house yapping at me." It turns out Pete was talking about
his... oh, you guessed it already? Lame, isn't it? Then there is the
scene when Duke tells the children that are with him on a hike, "We're
going to do everything together in a group. If you want to stop, raise
your hand, we'll all do it together. If you want to go, raise your
hand, we'll all do it together. If you want to rest, raise your hand,
we'll all do it together. If you want to relieve yourself, raise your
hand... (pause) ...we'll all, uh, wait for you to finish." Then
there are assorted one-liners that are just as big as duds as the humor
I illustrated above, like when one counsellor says, "I've put my foot
in my mouth so many times, I've got athlete's tooth!"
So Stuckey's Last Stand is not a family
movie. Can it be considered a kiddie movie, one that is made for and
appeals to kids? Well, I don't see this movie being appealing to the
majority of kids. Maybe for those few kids who are really, really
young and haven't seen any better family or kiddie movies might
giggle at some stuff like adults being hit with food or getting worms
dangled in their faces, but the vast majority of kids who watch this
will probably be bored stiff. For one thing, kids today, who are
brought up watching a lot more harder stuff, will almost certainly find
this movie very tame. The movie is rated PG, but barely gets this from
just one or two cuss words and maybe for the scene where one kid wets
his pants. This tame attitude would probably not matter to kids if they
found the movie funny, but I can't imagine them laughing at it. For one
thing, a lot of the attempted humor in the movie will go over their
heads. They will be puzzled by the character of Duke, who talks and
acts like John Wayne, and wonder why he is speaking so funny (and they
may also ask why his John Wayne-ish voice keeps going in and out over
the course of the movie.) Even during the scenes that have more
accessible humor, like moments of slapstick, I can picture kids
watching the movie in stony silence. There's a scene early on in the
movie with the kids playing baseball, and the kids are shown to be
absolutely inept in catching balls and stealing bases. It's supposed to
be funny, but the way it's staged will just remind kids how inept they
can be in real life playing sports. Kids may learn from this scene what
it means to have your intelligence insulted.
I haven't seen a movie that has been made this
incompetently for a long time. It's no wonder that director Lawrence G.
Goldfarb (who also wrote the screenplay and acted as producer) never
made another movie. Technical shoddiness runs rampant throughout the
movie. There's one scene where a character is playing the trumpet, but
you never see him move his fingers as the notes change on the
soundtrack. There's one scene where the editor had to resort to putting
a freeze-frame of the actors on the screen while the characters are
still talking. And this technique happens again later in the movie. And
then again later. Then later again. The use of locations is also
ineptly handled as well. Scenes taking place at the summer camp feel
like they have been filmed at several different locations far from each
other, and a dream sequence supposedly taking place in a courtroom was
clearly filmed in a locker room. Is there anything of merit in Stuckey's
Last Stand? Well, some of the adult actors do have a rough,
likable charm to them despite the fact that they give bad performances
with the absolutely terrible material that is handed to them (a few of
them did go on to appear in other productions.) There is also a lively
Dixieland musical score, though if you ask me, all Dixieland music
starts to sound the same after a while. But as you have probably
guessed, these things are far from saving the movie. If you are still
determined to watch the movie, amuse yourself by trying to answer why
the character of Russ Stuckey is mentioned in the title when he hardly
appears in the movie, and doesn't have any kind of stand, last or
otherwise.
Check for availability on Amazon (VHS)
See also: Kenny & Company,
King Kung Fu, Local Boys
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